I'm an old married woman.

parenting quandary

2011-12-18T01:17:00.000-06:00

so my friend posted this article on facebook tonight, and as someone who has found great success with the Babywise method for getting your kids to sleep through the night very early on, I was a little concerned as I read it. Especially when it also referred to this other article which references lots of research which seems to show that letting your child cry will inflict irreparable psychological damage on them.

It's not like I've ever left my kids for hours on end while they screamed at the top of their lungs for comfort. I think between the two of them I have let them "cry it out" less than 10 times total, only at nap/bedtime, never for more than about 15-20 minutes without checking on and comforting them, and they've never cried longer than 45 minutes total before falling asleep. Both were sleeping 7-8hrs/night by the time they were 8wks old, and we've never had a problem since. They both seem to be handling stressful situations well these days, and I'm not anticipating any negative outcomes in the future based on actions taken when they were newborns.

I'll admit, the articles freaked me out a little bit as I started reading them, I got anxious at the beginning of each of them - obviously, if science says it's bad, then what if I'm messing up my kids, even if it works? Or what happens if we end up having a baby one day who isn't so easy going about sleep? But then I calmed down, read each article slowly, thoughtfully, and came to the following conclusions:

1. Even with science to back you up - the frequency with which parenting recommendations and practices change is ridiculous; just like in dieting/nutrition or any other arena that involves a propensity towards strong opinions and fads.

2. One of the scholars that the Yahoo! article quotes from frequently seems inherently biased in the matter, considering that she herself "shows signs of undercare". I read her quotes with a pretty negative air toward the idea of letting children cry in general, even before she provided her personal background. Also, I don't know much about Dr. Sears, but by a quick look through his website, he would seem to be a big proponent of Attachment Parenting, which is often portrayed as the antithesis of Babywise or "cry it out"

3. Neither article clearly defines what is considered "too long" for a child to cry. "Excessive crying" is mentioned excessively, but there is not a single attempt at saying what is excessive. There are frequent references to "crying it out" in the Yahoo! article, but the Ask Dr. Sears article sounds like it's referring more to neglectful treatment of a child, leaving him/her alone for hours on end or ignoring any expressed needs to the point of cruelty, which is most definitely not suggested by adherents of "cry it out" or Babywise. This article did conclude "that caregivers should answer cries swiftly, consistently, and comprehensively," which sounds like crying it out would not be an option, but that doesn't actually go against Babywise philosophy; of COURSE you're supposed to check on your kids if they're crying. Make sure they don't need a diaper, or some food, or are in pain in some way, but if they're ok, then they're ok to be left to themselves for a little bit.

So I think my final analysis is this: I'll stick with what I know and what has worked, but I'm not above altering it or trying something new if what has worked stops working. I'm curious, tho, what other parents think. If you have time to read the articles and comment, I would really appreciate it.

cuteness times 3

2011-11-09T00:39:00.000-06:00

How was it that I posted 2 days after Naomi's birthday and didn't mention it? Well, let's just fix that now.
Naomi turned 1 on 9/10/11. I still feel a little bad that we didn't go crazy all out and invite half the city like we did for Josephine, but knowing what a stressful experience that would have been, I'm getting over it.

We just did family and a few friends who are pretty close to the girls, who've done a lot of babysitting or who just love them (and us) to bits. It was mostly just for cake and ice cream and presents, and she got plenty of cute and fun things, but obviously the best part is the pictures of a 1yr old demolishing a birthday cake, so here we go:

Before

During

After

Take that, cake!

Update #2 comes in the form of Halloween, and fun times had with that. Josephine tried on her costume close to a month ahead of time to see if it would fit, and then was unwilling to wait until Halloween to wear it again. So she ended up wearing it around the house a few times, which was fine, because I figure that the more use we can get out of it, the better! Plus, it was a bit big on her, which hopefully means we have a costume for next year as well. Here are some pictures! For clarification, Josephine was a fairy of some sort with wings and a wand, and Naomi was Princess Leia, circa Episode 4.

And then the final big deal around here has been that Josephine has once again upgraded her sleeping arrangement. We got ourselves a bunk bed from a gal who works with Seth's sister in-law, pretty sweet deal. We just had to get ourselves a mattress (a 2nd one will come eventually), which took about a week after Seth got the beds set up in the girls' room. Needless to say, there was much anticipation, and once the mattress was actually delivered, Seth and Jo headed out to pick it up, and she got to pick out her very own sheets to go with it. The end result has been one very excited girlie (make that two very excited girlies) who really loves bed time these days.

definitely growing up

2011-09-12T22:52:00.002-05:00

I know it's just part of life - those times when you look at your kid and realize that they've gotten so much bigger without you really noticing. It's unsettling at times, but it's just how it works. Today Josephine decided for both naptime and bedtime that she would get her own pullup, and so she did, just walked over to the dresser, opened the top drawer and grabbed one. She had to decide which design she liked best, and went for the castle, because "it's cute".

I wasn't watching her at naptime, so I was a little surprised when she came back to me with pullup in hand - she's been able to look into the top drawer, but I didn't think she was tall enough to actually reach in and grab anything. And then tonight I watched her walk right over, open it up, look in while just barely tip-toeing, and do her thing. It was not so startling, I had noticed earlier today that her striped dress seemed just a bit shorter on her than I was used to seeing it, but still, it was kind of confirming my suspicions that she just keeps getting bigger.

The other thing that I noticed today is how helpful she is getting. She's been responsive to me asking for her to do small stuff - bring Naomi's sippy to me, take this to the laundry, etc, but often needed a little bit of help. Tonight she picked up all the books that Naomi daily enjoys pulling down off their bookshelf. I grabbed Naomi to brush her teeth and asked Jo to get the books. She did ask several times for help, but I kept encouraging her to just do her best. I walked back into the bedroom to a clear floor where the pile of books had been, and Josephine was even going across the room to pick up other books that were left out. She's pretty wonderful, this girl of ours...

identity

2011-08-31T22:16:00.000-05:00

looking through some of my old drafts of posts that didn't quite get finished, this was one from last summer that I really liked, so I just decided to finish it and post it, so that's why I'm talking about being pregnant - it's not an update, it's just really old news...my new thoughts are Bolded, like this right here.

we were at housechurch last night, and there was a really good verse shared with regard to communion, Phillipians 3:4-11 -

4 Yet I could have confidence in myself if anyone could. If others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more! 5 For I was circumcised when I was eight days old, having been born into a pure-blooded Jewish family that is a branch of the tribe of Benjamin. So I am a real Jew if there ever was one! What's more, I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. 6 And zealous? Yes, in fact, I harshly persecuted the church. And I obeyed the Jewish law so carefully that I was never accused of any fault. 7 I once thought all these things were so very important, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. 8 Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I may have Christ 9 and become one with him. I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. 10 As a result, I can really know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I can learn what it means to suffer with him, sharing in his death, 11 so that, somehow, I can experience the resurrection from the dead!

The challenge was given to lay down whatever type of identity or reasoning we have to be proud of ourselves or assured of salvation outside of Jesus, to be identified only with Christ. It made me think of how I've been identifying myself lately.

The obvious answer is as a pregnant woman, a mother to-be. I've found that the title brings with it a certain stature, almost an innate right to certain things. I'm carrying a child, therefore I should be pampered, I shouldn't be allowed to carry heavy things, to exert myself too much. I shouldn't be expected to do the same things I used to before being pregnant. There are some who have treated me as if I were made of glass, or similarly very fragile.

While yes, there are certain aspects of pregnancy that require additional care in how one handles oneself, in a lot of ways, I'm just as capable and just as able to do most of what I could before. It used to bother me that Seth wouldn't let me shovel the snow. Then I tried it, just once. And I think there's a part of me that really needs to be careful about the sleep I'm getting or the food I'm eating, but I have also noticed that I'm sort of buying into the entitlement of pregnancy in some ways, too. I've seen in certain areas where I've used it to not try as hard get things done, or to maybe beg off of things I wasn't crazy about doing, even when I probably could have. As much as I joke with friends and my husband about using the baby as an excuse to do or not do certain things, I really didn't actually want to use pregnancy as an excuse to get out of anything, ministry or otherwise...and yet it's happened, here and there. And it doesn't make me very proud to see it or admit it.

Being a mother has a certain status and expectation that comes with it, especially at the Rock. By no means am I trying to belittle that status or the importance of the role. I really believe that to an extent mothers (especially the new ones) probably need more grace and support than many other groups of people might need. I'm finding that out pretty much daily for myself. But I don't want to go around expecting that people will do things for me, will serve me, will care for me. It's such a blessing when they do, and there's something that sours in me when I somehow think that I deserve it, or can't believe it took someone so long to notice I needed help, or some equally as silly thought.

I also currently would say I identify myself mostly with being a wife. That carries with it a burden (sometimes heavy, sometimes light) of many responsibilities and duties. It's easy to get dragged down and defeated as a wife (I'm sure it's easy as a husband, too). My shortcomings are obvious to see, and triumphs, especially the small ones that are difficult to obtain but mean the most, often go unnoticed.

This particular group of verses used to give me the chills when I first really looked at it back in college. The idea of throwing everything aside to know only Jesus and to truly experience his life and power in my own is an amazing one, awe inspiring, and not a little bit scary. I really don't have much to add to that, it's kind of as much as I can take in, in this regard. But I still want it. And I think I have opportunities every day to experience this, it's just a matter of being aware and taking advantage. Some things are easy - sharing a beloved treat with a small child or slowing down to make sure that some important information is accurately passed on to small ears. Some things are harder - trying to be compassionate and see from the point of view of someone who happens to be hurting you at the moment, for instance, but all of it brings breaths of Jesus' life into mine. Putting my rights and preferences aside to take on His burden, the one to love God and love people, and that's all.

potty training!!

2011-08-31T21:59:00.002-05:00

This past Saturday we took the leap from occasionally sitting on the potty chair or toilet for fun (or an attempt at playing video games) to seriously working on making it a way of life.

After thinking about it for at least a month, I finally made the decision I think on Thursday of last week, when we were at Target and I decided to get some "prizes" and treats to help with the project, and also made a pretty big deal of getting underwear for Jo. She helped pick them out, and from then on was talking just about nonstop about her "undies". We talked it up for the next couple of days, how she was going to learn how to use the potty chair and wear undies, and she was definitely interested. I had read The Potty Boot Camp: Basic Training For Toddlers by Suzanne Riffel and mostly followed her program, with a few other ideas I tossed in from other sources I've looked at along the way.

So Saturday morning started and, not for the first time in the last 2+ years, I was so thankful for the disposition that God has given my Josephine, she is very easy to work with, is quite patient and very compliant. I explained the situation and she took it all in cheerfully, I know she especially liked the idea of getting juice and pretzels all day long. No horror stories to report, she had 5 accidents in 5 hours, she cleaned all of them up by herself and withstood the cold bath water to clean herself and her soiled pants (mostly) on her own, she actually thought the drills of going to the potty chair, pulling down pants, sitting down, pulling pants back up to practice the process over and over were fun (the idea is that it gets really tedious and helps dissuade your kid from having an accident and thus incurring more drills), she maybe got tired of them at the very end of the day when she was just tired in general. She had no problem sitting on the chair and reading for 5-10min at a time which, according to Riffel, could be where bribes and cajoling could be quite necessary. She got through the afternoon and evening with only one more accident and actually deciding by herself that she needed to go, and she went!

In the days following, we've had lots of false alarms, she'll sit on the potty to pass gas, and we've had accidents on our hardwood, outside on the sidewalk, and on a bench at Grandad's work today (happy birthday, Dad!), but it's been very encouraging. I'm glad that the process is at least started, I was getting so tired of hauling her 35+lbs up and down from the changing table, and all those diapers! It'll probably save us $40-$60/month in diaper costs. We're still using Pullups for nap and bedtime, but hopefully that won't be for too long. She's been dry waking up from naps at least twice now, I think she's really getting the hang of it all.

I am seriously considering that we'll start this with Naomi by the time she's 18months. Right now she's working on pulling herself up on things, taking a couple steps with a lot of help, and turning 1; but the clock's ticking, and Mama likes the idea of 2 potty trained girls...

makes a mama proud

2011-02-28T23:02:00.000-06:00

Each of the girls had a pretty big moment today, just thought I'd share...

I've been periodically checking Naomi's mouth for any signs of teeth, I've been suspicious that she's been teething for a little bit now, what with all the chewing on anything available and all. I was playing with her today and noticed that I could see a little something on her bottom gums. After trying to get a steady look and feeling around with my finger, I think I can confirm that there are two teeth just waiting to pop on out!

Josephine's big moment came at dinner tonight, I was busy trying to get sweet potatoes into Naomi and noticed that Josephine was singing a song. As I listened, I started to understand what she was singing and caught the end of "Jesus Loves Me". So we sang it a few times and I was absolutely in love.

And then, to top off the evening, as I picked up Naomi to get ready for bed, I noticed that she had a little explosion out the backside of her diaper. No big deal, it happens. As I got her upstairs I noticed that it didn't just come out the top of the diaper, but down her legs, onto my shirt, on my hand....that's when I decided the bathtub was going to be the best place to change her diaper. It was an impressive feat, rivaled only by the time Josephine blew out onto Seth's leg when she was only a few weeks old, and ended up being bathed in our friends' bathroom sink. Today was a totally noteworthy day in the Rosenzweig household.

My Helpful Girl

2011-02-08T17:08:00.000-06:00

Josephine has been at the age for awhile now where she likes to be involved and help do stuff around the house. Her favorite thing for awhile has been helping me unload the dishwasher. Then at Faithwalkers she was seen "cleaning up" with a burp cloth, wiping various spots on the auditorium floor. She has also started helping "wash" the dishes too, which coincides with her newfound love of our step stool. She'll happily move the dishes from one sink to the next as quickly as she can while I try to rinse things off and keep her from sipping grimy water from dishes left to soak or generally splashing water everywhere. I'm fairly unsuccessful, but it's only water, right?

Last week she came up with a new way in which to help out mama. She saw me sit down with a bowl of rice cereal for Naomi and instantly wanted in. We're slowly getting Naomi onto solid food, she's not taking to it nearly as quickly as Josephine did, but she's getting there. So I sat Jo on my lap, told her I would hold on to her hand while she fed her sister, and hilarity ensued.

I tend to try keeping things clean while feeding the baby, but you know, we're not all as well practiced with our gross motor skills.

My method with Naomi has been to wait for her mouth to be open with no obstructions in order to successfully get food into it - Josephine apparently sees no need for such strategy.

Toward the end, I think Naomi decided to start helping to get the food into her mouth too.

updates

2011-01-08T19:52:00.005-06:00

because it's been a whole month since I mentioned anything about my girls, here's the update:

Naomi is still smiley and sweet and likes to play with toys she can grab. She just had her 4 month appointment and is doing great, except for sharing her sister's propensity towards ear infections. Boo. She's got the ok to start on the solid foods, but I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet.

Josephine got lots of fun things for Christmas that she *loves* to play with - fake food, and a cart to wheel it all around in, a non-name brand MagnaDoodle (just don't know what else to call it), a backpack that she likes to carry around but doesn't think about unless we give it to her, a Leapfrog laptop that says her name, sings her songs, and sends her emails, and a Winnie the Pooh doll that's almost the size of her. I started to understand this year about how parents can easily go overboard buying gifts for their kids. It's so much fun to see her play, and there are a lot of things that I know she would really enjoy or would help her learn things. Every time we go to Target now, I easily find things I would like to buy for her. This is actually a heart (and wallet) check for me, since the last time we went to Target we came home with 2 new things for Jo that she didn't actually need, but REALLY likes. Bubble bath that she is pretty crazy about, and a CD set that includes songs from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, and also a story. We've listened to it upwards of a dozen times in the last couple of days (including right now!)

Also in Jo news, she is enjoying music in general more than ever, she'll even sing along for bits that she knows for songs like Twinkle Twinkle and her ABCs. She is also getting pretty good at counting to 3 and starting to identify her colors. We are talking just a little bit about using the potty and possible toilet training. She's interested, but I'm pretty sure we're not quite there yet. I've been kind of hoping she'd be ready by her birthday, but I'm learning it's really ok to wait.

Finally, we have new words just about every day. Last I heard, between 18-24 months kids will pick up about 10 words a day - how's that for a reminder to watch what you say around them? Latest ones include "Jesus" and "Zombies". The former is from listening to our Pandora station of Christian music for kids, and the latter is from Seth and my affinity for our Plants vs Zombies game, which Josephine loves to watch. It used to be that any time she got near the laptop we would hear "pooh" as her request to watch the Winnie the Pooh movie, now Pooh has to share time with "zombies" when she thinks it's time for someone to play. Still not sure if it's funny and cute that she knows about zombies, or it's a frightening look into how mom and dad are spending their time these days...

Anyway, that's all. As soon as I get around to putting pictures from Christmas and later on the computer, I'll post some here.

women and the bible, pt.1

2011-01-05T15:01:00.007-06:00

I came across a blog last night that I found interesting, one entry in particular. I didn't check the date of the entry, but not too long ago the author had posted about women and religion. He mentioned Mary Magdalene, how she was a disciple of Christ, but not good enough to be one of the 12, and how just about every religion known to man is patriarchal, unfair to women, and at least a little bit misogynistic.

I know on its face, these allegations are generally accepted to be true. I can think of women wearing burkas, men allowed to beat their wives and daughters for even minor offences, Eve was given the dubious honor of bringing sin into the world when she listened to the snake, Delilah stripped Sampson of his famed power, Jezebel is synonymous with wickedness in women, and the list goes on.

I had to stop and think about this for a minute, because I would probably agree with his argument in some ways. I know the perception of women's roles in the world, particularly in Christianity, but I also know that God loves and treasures women just as much as men. I can't speak for other religions, but I think that the Bible at least has gotten something of a bad rap when it comes to how women are portrayed.

Mind you, the sinful, "pagan" women are pretty bad, Herodias asked for the head of John the Baptist and had him killed, Mical ridiculed King David and became barren because of it, Solomon's wives and concubines drew him into idolatry and away from God, etc. But they didn't fear or follow God, you couldn't expect much from them. The men of God, however were also shown to be sinful, fallen creatures: Noah was a drunk, Moses was scared and didn't want to talk to Pharoah alone. His anger and disobedience also kept him out of the Promised Land. David was an adulterer and murderer. Peter denied Jesus 3 times, and the disciples in general had a hard time understanding and believing in Jesus, even when he lived and worked with them for 3 years.

But when you read about the godly women in the Bible, you get a whole different story. Esther singlehandedly saved all the Jews in Persia, Mary submitted to God in what was maybe the hardest thing to believe ever - the Holy Spirit is going to make you pregnant and you'll be mother to the Son of God. Deborah judged Israel and led them into a huge military victory - at the request (and to the shame) of the male leaders of her time. Ruth refused to leave her mother in-law and followed her to find a new husband and a new home and a place in the lineage of Jesus. Rahab was a prostitute who also became Jesus' ancestor because of her heroic acts. Of all these women, the only negative information you read about them is that one was a prostitute. And also maybe that Sarah laughed at the idea that God might make her pregnant at 90. But she went along with it in the end, and she also has a place of honor.

These were strong women. They did amazing things in the face of frightening circumstances. These are women to look up to, to try to emulate. I doubt they'd really count as feminists, tho, so that might be why no one really pays that much attention. These were women who submitted, and in doing so found strength, which most people think is impossible. They feared God, which led them to honor and fame. Not always in their lifetimes, but God made sure that they are remembered. No doubt they were just as human as the rest of us; I'm sure Ruth and Boaz disagreed about a few things after they got married, Deborah might have been kind of bossy as a judge, but none of those things is recorded. These women get nothing but good press, there's no way you can tell me that God did not consider them very precious, just as precious as he considers me and every other woman he has handcrafted.

slow down

2010-12-23T00:35:00.002-06:00

I've been trying to listen to more messages during the day, from Faithwalkers, from the Rock, whatever, just to keep my head in the Bible and encouraged during the day. One set of messages is from a Motherhood conference that Kathleen Nelson has done a few times. She mentions one thing in particular more than once, and it's stuck in my head, and made a big difference in how situations get handled around our house. I have been meaning to post about this for awhile, so if I'm not exact in my recollection of the messages, I do apologize. She mentions that if her kids are having trouble or if she's getting frustrated at them, that is her cue to "slow the machine down" and work with her kids on whatever the issue is.

This is priceless advice when dealing with a 22 month old little girl. There are plenty of things that she knows how to do, but there have been times when I can overestimate her ability to comprehend what I'm asking or even her ability just to accomplish a task. Then there's her 22 month old attention span, which isn't impressive in the least. There's also plenty of times when I'm busy trying to do something myself and I need to slow down to make sure that I'm paying attention to what's going on in general.

A lot of times, just by either going to her or calling her to my side, getting down to her level and making sure she looks in my eyes, and talking to her slowly in words I know she knows, I've seen a big difference in how she complies. For bigger tasks I usually have to continue slowly and patiently to remind and prompt her to be able to complete what I've asked (putting away toys or books usually take more time than I'd like, it's very tempting to just finish the job for her). It's nonetheless encouraging to see the change. It's especially helpful in public when training/discipline isn't an option. Just slowing things down usually results in obedience in those situations, even if it has to be repeated often at times.

whispered secrets

2010-12-04T23:08:00.003-06:00

Awhile back, I had started whispering in Josephine's ear as part of our bedtime routine, usually "I love you." We both like it, so I'll just do it time to time throughout the day for fun.

The other day I was changing Naomi's diaper, and Josephine was at her normal post on the arm of the recliner right next to the changing table. She likes to stand at Naomi's head and talk to her, touch her, poke at her, whatever.

She had been just a little whiny and clingy, and she had leaned over to rest her head on my arm. I gave her a hug and leaned over to whisper "I love you" into her ear. I went back to changing Naomi's diaper. Next thing I know, Josephine leaned over to Naomi and whispered "Iyuvyou" into the side of her head.

It was only the sweetest thing I have seen from her yet.

smarter than you think...

2010-12-03T01:13:00.004-06:00

I'm guessing every parent has these moments. The moments when you figure out your kid is catching on faster than you gave them credit for. There are also the moments you find your child is craftier and more clever than previously thought. This happens more than I'd like to admit in our house.

Today was such a day. Josephine has one of those toys with 4 animals under flippy doors and you have to push a button or turn a key to get the animal to pop out of its door. This is the first toy like this that I've seen that makes sounds and plays music when the animals pop out. Our toy is from a garage sale, and I've noticed that it's kind of finicky when it comes to playing the music; lately it hasn't really felt like it. Josephine has apparently noticed this as well, because today when she was playing with it, she brought it over to me and started trying to turn it over. I couldn't quite figure out what she was up to, but I helped her turn it upside down, and she proceeded to point to the battery door on the bottom of the toy. I'm guessing somewhere along the line she's seen me put new batteries into something, but the fact that she knew where they go, and why they go into her toy absolutely floored me.

Not too long after that, she brought her snow boots over to me to help her put them on. Just the other day she was tromping thru the house in her rain boots, so I thought she just wanted to play in them. As soon as they were on, she pointed out the window and said "outside!" I totally fell for it, and rewarded her clever cuteness with a (short!) trip outside into the mid-teens temperatures.

Just to make sure her big sister didn't get all the good stories in today, my heart melted this afternoon to hear Naomi's very first giggle!

yikes...

2010-11-17T14:54:00.000-06:00

It's been almost a year since I posted here. Good thing I only have 3 followers. I've been contemplating for weeks if I want to continue blogging, having kids at the particular ages that they are doesn't exactly allow much time for deep thinking, much less transmitting those thoughts anywhere, which was the original idea behind this blog. I actually have been thinking deeply about parenthood these days, which sparked my thoughts on blogging, but again; no time. Also, discussing these things with my husband as it relates to our family trumps posting for people who may or may not check and/or care to know what I'm thinking.

Today I happen to find myself sitting on the couch with a 10-week old baby on my chest, which is keeping me from my original project that I was planning for naptime (yes, I could move her, but I don't get to do this often, and I know it won't be available to me for that much longer). So I was thinking for now, that this would become one of those family update blogs. That way I could sell it to the grandparents and others as a way to keep up on the girls and also maybe stay in practice just in case I have a chance to think and post on something a little more serious. Also, I get to brag on my babies, of whom I am extremely fond.

So I'll start with the biggest news of the last 10 1/2 weeks:

Naomi Linda Rosenzweig was born on September 10, 2010 at 6:32am. She weighed 7lbs, 15oz and was 20 in. long. After having contractions on and off for a couple days that got progressively stronger, labor finally started shortly before 4am on the 10th. I endured them on my own for about 1/2 hour before waking Seth up to start getting ready to go to the hospital. By the time we got Josephine dropped off and got to the hospital, I could barely stand the pain. I remember looking at the clock when I was all checked in and they were starting IVs, and it was just about 6am. My doctor was on the way and I was already dilated to about 8 or 9. I was really hoping for pain meds, but we never quite got that far. My doc walked in the door as I was getting ready to push, and it couldn't have been more than 10 minutes and I think 3 pushes later that Naomi was born. We expected her to come quicker than Josephine did, but we were thinking it would be a little longer than 2 1/2 hours! I think this means that next time I'm going to the hospital as soon as labor starts.

Since then, life got way busier. My mom and father in-law visited for a week to help out, and it was wonderful. I threatened my mom that I was going to lock her in the basement so she couldn't go home; I think she would have been ok with it. Josephine loves her baby sister, which is amazing nd fabulous, the only thing I worry about is her smothering the baby with kisses. Literally, it's almost happened.

Both girls are great. Jo is just shy of 20 months old, and smarter than I am sometimes comfortable with; she's picking up words and abilities right and left. Naomi is sweet and smiley and as of this week has started sleeping about 10-13hrs at night, which only increases her preciousness. She loves her big sister and is usually most smiley when Jo is waving her hands at her or trying to poke her in the face. There are stories to tell daily and pictures quite often, let's see if I can keep up with this, along with the craziness that is often our daily life...

small group tonight

2009-12-06T22:40:00.004-06:00

it's been awhile since I came up with a small group lesson, and I actually liked this one. It was less of a lesson than a short talk, and it seemed to work really well; it generated a bit of discussion with our all women's time tonight as one of the 3 topics that we touched on.

The topic for the whole evening was our identity in Christ. We split it into 3 "mini talks" given by 3 of the small group leaders. My topic was that we are forgiven. Since I've been thinking about posting more often, I thought this might be a good reason to start, so here's my talk that I put together:

Feeling condemned and unforgiven is actually something I’ve struggled with as recently as our last small group meeting. I’ve seen in myself a pattern for years now – I feel really bad about what I’ve been doing, or not doing, I end up feeling defeated and disgusted with myself, and then I determine to do better. I do better for awhile, then I’ll typically get busy or distracted by something and let go of whatever I’ve been working on, and then one day I’ll stop and think about how far I’ve fallen from where I should be – again.

My personal struggles usually center on me being lazy. I used to like to say it was my phlegmatic, easy going personality, but it’s really just laziness; I don’t want to do anything that I don’t like doing. I have to work hard to cultivate self discipline and self motivation, and I can rarely maintain it for more than a couple weeks at a time. I’ve been working on it for years, and I think I can say that I’ve made at least a little progress, but overall, it doesn’t ever feel like it’s all that much, compared with how far I still have to go. It’s easy for me to imagine sometimes that God is constantly annoyed with me, disappointed with all my yo-yoing back and forth, just like I am. It’s also easy to think that God will be less likely to listen or answer my prayers because I don’t deserve it. I believe that he expects more from me, especially as someone who’s been a Christian all my life, and really, truly knows better. When I was younger, I actually wondered from time to time when it was all going to be enough and God would give up on me and cut me off.

The truth of our identity in Christ is that as a result of Christ’s death, God brings us into his presence and we are holy and blameless as we stand before him without a single fault. We’ve been forgiven forever. Hebrews 9:28 says that Christ died once for all time, and a little later chapter 10 says that when sins have been forgiven, there’s no need to offer any more sacrifices. All over the New Testament, we’re told that God saved and forgave us because of his incredible, incomparable grace and kindness. He’s done it because of who he is, and who he is doesn’t change. God will never be any less kind or full of grace and love toward us, so there is nothing that can change what has happened, that Jesus’ blood has paid for all of our sins and we are forgiven.

Because we’ve been forgiven, Hebrews says that we can come boldly to God’s throne and ask for his mercy and grace when we need it. We don’t have to be scared or think that we’re not worthy to approach God and ask for anything, he’s made it so that we have almost the same standing with him that Jesus does. In fact, when he looks at us, it’s like he’s looking at Jesus. It makes me think of when I was a kid; there were these secret messages that would be on cereal boxes sometimes. If you looked at it just plain you’d see a box with a bunch of red and blue spots. It was kind of a mess; you couldn’t see anything that made any sense. But it would come with this transparent red slip of plastic that you could put over the box and a word or a phrase would pop out and you’d find what you were supposed to be looking at. That’s what I think about when I think of our identity in Christ and how God sees us. We’re kind of a mess on our own; our lives don’t make sense sometimes. But when God looks at us, he sees us in Christ and through the blood of Jesus. All the mess and all the gunk is still there, but it’s covered, and it doesn’t interfere with what God did for us, to him we’re holy and blameless.

scooter baby!

2009-10-20T17:09:00.004-05:00

after trying unsuccessfully to post this video on facebook, I'm trying my long forgotten blog...this is Josephine showing off how mobile she is now. It's not crawling, but it is cute!

maybe this will be a start for new posts! Maybe don't count on it, since I only get to the library about once a week to check emails and try to be productive...

where to begin?

2009-05-15T14:25:00.004-05:00

Unless you're really bad at math, or figure that 48 weeks pregnant would be normal, or if you have no connection to me on Facebook or in person, then you've figured out that I am now officially a mom. There's really a lot that goes into that, kind of too much just to sum up in a few lines. Or even a lot of lines, for that matter.

I was creating a post to tell the story of labor and delivery which may or may not ever get finished. Suffice it to say, it wasn't anywhere near as awful or long as I was expecting it to be, even tho part of that I feel like I cheated by getting an epidural pretty much as soon as I got admitted, but if I hadn't then I wouldn't have slept and things would probably not have gone anywhere near as well as they had. And the end result is the important part - Josephine Rachael came into the world at 9:42am on March 19. That seems like forever ago, even tho 8 weeks isn't really all that long when you think about it.

There are parts of me that really don't have much of a reaction to being a mom. Yeah, everything's different, but it's not like it's so amazingly better or worse, it just is. There are parts that are fantastic, like getting to hold my baby and just sit quietly, breathing in her smell and listening to her breathe. There are amazing parts when she smiles and almost giggles and I can't help but fall in love all over again. There are parts that are awful, like when she poops or spits up on 3 outfits in a row. There are parts that are frustrating, like feeling like a burden when you have to stop everything you were doing with friends in order to change a diaper or feed the baby, but the bad parts are more than evened out by the good.

I feel like we're somewhere in the sweet spot - she's pretty much sleeping through the night (about 7hours at a shot, probably longer if I wasn't so worried about making sure she eats enough), she's learned how to smile and is just starting to gurgle and coo, she's really content for the most part, she doesn't spit up as much as she used to, and she's nowhere near old enough to be naughty just yet. That will probably start earlier than I'm expecting it, so I'd better enjoy this stage while it lasts.

It still seems a little odd sometimes that she's mine (ours). I'm (we're) responsible for her. Apparently it's ok because we haven't broken her or messed her up too badly yet.

Apart from the baby (but still very connected) we're both unemployed right now, so if anyone has any jobs or even leads, just go ahead and let us know. We were all set to have me stay home when Josephine was born, and then at the end of February, Seth lost his job. Definitely not ideal, but it gave me enough time to rearrange plans at work, instead of taking 6 weeks leave and then quitting, I took 12 weeks and was preparing myself to go back to work if necessary. And then at the end of April, I lost my job. That sucked. Well, sort of. I still sort of teeter back and forth between thinking that it's totally God's way of letting us know that I really should be staying home and that's just that, and wondering how the crap this is all going to work out. I'm officially looking for a job, my standards are way lower than Seth's - I just need something that will pay the bills and bring in money until Seth finds the job that will actually support our family and allow me to quit and stay at home again.

There are so many crazy things going on right now in the big picture that I can't deny God's hand in it all. I just couldn't tell you where it's all leading, because we can't see that far ahead just now. Seth's had so many leads fall through, jobs that we thought would be perfect for him. He's working so hard to find something, there's just not much to be found right now. It seems like everything is just a reminder to trust God and put it in his hands. I'm so thankful now that we worked as hard as we did to pay off our cars and Seth's student loans and build up our savings. So far we're ok, and there are things working on the horizon that will hopefully make that last a little bit longer. Ultimately, it's up to God to work everything out for us. I know it'll happen, and I know it'll be amazing, I just have to work sometimes to remember that on a daily basis.

So that's our life in a nutshell...

No one tells you these things

2009-02-05T17:26:00.001-06:00

There's a lot of information out there about being pregnant. Tons. What happens, the changes to your body, emotions, all of it. And yet, somehow, there seems to be quite a bit that isn't included. The other side of that is that sometimes information is so vague that it is not helpful. Like you could possibly have symptom XYZ during your pregnancy, and that's normal. Or you could not have that symptom, and that's normal too. I haven't worried a ton about any of that because the books and doctors are pretty specific about what isn't normal and isn't good, and those lists don't seem to change, so I have a pretty good grasp about what I really need to be concerned about. The rest of it is probably normal to some degree, I seriously doubt that I will be discovering some previously unknown symptom or risk factor that could put my baby or pregnancy in jeopardy.

I truthfully haven't dealt with a lot of the typical pregnancy issues - I never puked during the 1st trimester, the nausea wasn't really all that severe, I rarely have heartburn problems, my back hurt for awhile but a few trips to the chiropractor had that pretty much fixed. I have started to get very tiny stretch marks, but they're really just adding on to some that have been there forever. so that's no big deal. I did have my first emotional breakdown last week, so that was fun. About the worst, most consistent issue that I've dealt with has been stuffy and bloody noses (actual pregnancy symptom!), and that's just more gross than anything. So I really have had nothing much to complain about, for which I am thankful.

Then a few weeks back, I started noticing what felt like the baby trying to kick my ribs out from the inside. That's not pleasant, but generally pretty short lived. A couple weeks ago, that feeling stopped, but I started having SEVERE pains in that same area, right about where my ribs curve around and head toward by spine. It usually stemmed from any sort of physical contact in that area. I couldn't tell if it was my ribs (I have found out that your baby can bruise you internally) or if it was my skin, it sorta felt like both, depending on the exact situation. I'd never heard of such a pain, it hasn't been mentioned in anything I've read. I mentioned it to my chiropractor and she thought it might be the muscles between my ribs, so she had a little thing she did to work on that, and it helped some, but I still can hardly stand sometimes to have anything touching that area, which isn't super convenient, since that's pretty much where my bra sits, and there's not a lot of room in there if I slouch even a little bit when I'm sitting down.

So at my doctor's appointment yesterday I mentioned it to her, and she didn't seem all that surprised. Yep, it's my skin. More specifically, it's the fascia (this link has some pretty cool info) of my torso, the stuff that kind of keeps everything together - stretching out and becoming thinner, because everything's expanding up in that region. So there's nothing I can do, no relief that she offered, I just have to deal with it because it's going to keep getting stretched out until the baby comes. yaaaay, six more weeks....

It's not that knowing this ahead of time would have changed my mind about being pregnant, and it's not like it was freaking me out to have it happening and not know what all was causing it, it just would be nice with all the volumes of information available on pregnancy and everything that happens, if they would maybe mention that too. It kind of would be nicer if there was a way to treat it, but whatever.

So Excited

2009-01-22T13:13:00.005-06:00

Hey look, a post that isn't actually related to me being pregnant right now!

I feel a little juvenile about this, but I'm really excited about a movie that's coming out in a couple weeks. It's called Coraline, it's based off a book by my favorite author, Neil Gaiman. I'm pretty sure it's just a kid's book, at most it's a Young Adult book, which might explain why I feel a little juvenile about my excitement.

The book is fantastic tho. Actually, I haven't read it yet, but I borrowed the audiobook from the Library. For a Neil Gaiman book this is at least as good, if not better than reading the book itself. The audiobooks are all unabridged. He reads his books himself and he's got a fantastic British accent. He also knows exactly how to read and where to put what intonations in the dialogue (since he wrote it and all). Plus, they tend to add in fun music and little extras with some of the dialogue to enhance the experience (there are a couple parts with talking/singing rats in Coraline that are deliciously creepy in the audio version).

In general, Neil has a wonderful ability to make a kid's book appealing to more than just kids. They're humorous in ways that adults can understand, and while the language is such that a kid can easily read and comprehend it, the themes aren't just for kids, either. Coraline has bits of magic and silliness along with everyday life, but it's a bit scary in parts, too. There's danger and suspense and tension, quite a bit of Unknown mixed in with everything. I don't know if I would recommend it for anyone younger than maybe 7 or 8...it might depend on the kid. There's nothing horrible or disgusting, but there are some rather sinister characters.

I'm excited for it to be made into a film because there hasn't been a single movie that Gaiman's been involved with that hasn't been brilliant. Mirrormask was what first got me interested in his work, then there was Neverwhere, a novel turned into a BBC sci-fi miniseries, and then just last year was Stardust and Beowulf. Neil himself has been blogging about Coraline for months now, and is very excited about how it's been coming along. I generally take it as a good sign when the author approves of how his creation is being transformed from one medium to another. There are also all sorts of websites, promotions and fun things (such as the first video by Neil) to go along with the release, which make it all the easier to be excited.

So childish as it may seem, I'm looking forward to this movie like very few other movies lately. And my kind and loving husband has promised to take me to see it, maybe as a Valentine's Day date. In 3-D, even. I'm so lucky!

it's official!

2009-01-03T14:08:00.003-06:00

Over the past couple of weeks, I've definitely noticed some changes...I'm officially in my 3rd trimester, only 10 1/2 weeks to go! It's funny how at the same time, that seems both really far away and just around the corner.

I now officially cannot see my feet when I stand up straight and look down. I also officially have been waking up more often at night because I can't seem to stay comfortable in the same position for too long. We're almost officially done with cleaning out the baby's room, there's just one more box, and a computer, and a small file cabinet to move out. I'm also officially (technically) registered for baby stuff, tho not entirely. We'll have to hit Babies R Us I think next week, especially since people are officially planning baby showers for me now...

The baby is officially very active - the nurse practitioner gave me a chart at my last visit to keep track of movements - I want to track at least 10 movements in an hour, usually counting about an hour or so after eating. I think the longest it's taken so far to reach 10 movements is about 10 minutes. Yesterday, it was 2 minutes. I have now heard that theoretically boys are more mobile in the womb, so that may be a hint of the baby's gender, but I'm not going to be making any guarantees just yet. The baby is also officially kicking me in the ribs, which is definitely less than comfortable. Unfortunately, there's just not a ton I can do about it. Movements in general are no longer cute and gentle, they're more strong and surprising. I can find where and how the baby is laying fairly easily, which I love, and I can generally differentiate big body parts (head and butt) and skinny ones (legs and arms) that's about as definite as we get so far.

Next week is my first appointment for every 2 weeks, instead of the standard every 4, and all of a sudden things seem to be speeding up quite a bit. I've got all my appointments scheduled between now and March, and it really doesn't seem like all that many, even though it's probably pretty equal to the number of appointments I've had in the entire pregnancy up to this point! We finally picked dates for birthing classes, we were having trouble with scheduling, and I was considering just skipping it, but I think it'll be good for us to go. It'll have to be a Saturday and Sunday, all day sort of thing, which isn't fabulous, but better than 6 weeks of 3hr classes on a weeknight.

Overall, I think things are going really well, better than expected. I've had intermittent issues with heartburn and other issues, but it hasn't been awful. I get a little sore sometimes, but that's why I have a chiropractor. Everyone seems to think I make a really cute pregnant lady, and I even still have enough energy to go out on a Friday night from time to time (tho someone could probably make an argument about me needing to take better care of my body and getting more sleep). I'm bummed that my sister won't be able to come up for the baby, but since she's having her own at pretty much the same time, I guess I can let it go. And my brother's going to come visit from Connecticut, so that works out nicely, since we haven't seen him in awhile. There are plenty of plans yet to be made, but I do still have some time left.

It's funny that I'm almost 7 1/2 months pregnant, but I'll still stop myself and find it absolutely amazing that this has happened. I still can't imagine very well what it will be like to have a baby in the house, having to take all those changes into account when trying to make future plans like mission trips or traveling for weddings and things. I don't think we're going to disappear into our house when the baby comes. We tried really hard not to disappear into ourselves when we got married, and it definitely paid off. I would imagine there would be similar benefits in staying (almost) as involved with a baby. At the same time as thinking all of this, I'm also trying to keep options and expectations open, just because I don't know what toll this will all take on my body and emotions and how long it will take me to recover from giving birth, much less get into a routine and become a functioning person again. I had long ago decided that there's no way I can figure out entirely what's it's going to be like having a baby. After walking into marriage with what I felt was a good grasp of the difficulties and challenges (as well as the good parts) and still being entirely knocked off my feet, I'm just going to assume it's going to be the same way with having kids. Awesome beyond description, but also requiring a lot more of me than I can anticipate. Guess I'll find out soon enough!

updates, updates

2008-11-28T14:42:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I don't necessarily always want to be updating about the pregnancy, but that is literally the big thing going these days. Work is work, family is family, nothing crazy or all that interesting to report. And most people seem to like the updates too, so I guess it's not all bad.

So I'm right about 24 1/2 weeks, which means I passed the 6 month mark last week (I usually have noticed that moms like to know the weeks, everyone else wants to know how far along in months - I guess it's all in what you can relate to). I just had my blood glucose test at my appointment this last week. I had heard of goopy orange super duper sweet concoctions that you have to drink (sometimes in large quantities) that make you want to puke. So I wasn't all that excited about the idea. But it wasn't too bad; I had a choice in flavors, so I went for lemon-lime, which looked and tasted pretty much like a Sprite, only flat. It was chilled, making it easier to drink down, and I didn't mind it at all. I could tell later on into my appointment that I was getting a bit of a sugar high. It made me a little worried because I know the idea behind the test is to see how well your body is processing the sugar in your system to see if you've got gestational diabetes, but it all turned out fine. I don't know what the levels are for borderline or for sure diabetic, but they told me I passed, so that's all I really needed to know.

I was a little overwhelmed, however, with the amount of things that I wasn't aware of - like how I should be looking for a pediatrician now...seems a bit odd, but I guess it makes sense, if you want to have that person at the hospital to check the baby out within 24 hours of birth. It's just that I've never even thought about it - I don't know how to go about looking for a pediatrician, I don't know what is important in a pediatrician (besides the obvious part about caring about and being good with kids). So I figure I'm going to start asking the moms that live in my area what they think about their kids' docs and maybe just start (or end?) there. I've got my clinic, but since my last experience with their OB department didn't really inspire a lot of confidence, and I was starting to think about going with a different clinic with midwives next time I'm pregnant, I guess I'm not feeling all that loyal right now...

I also need to start looking into things like birthing classes (which also seems a bit overwhelming, but most likely is not), and to keep working on cleaning out the office, which means we need to finish putting together the new office, which means buying a desk, and a dresser for the baby's room. And people keep asking me about baby showers, which I'm figuring that someone will offer to put one together sooner or later. I've got plenty of time left for that, but that means that I'll have to actually register soon, which is another somewhat daunting task, what with not knowing what I need/what, what brands are good, etc. I've been so thankful already that I've got friends who have done this at least once before, because there are lots of questions to ask and lots of advice to get.

Overall tho, I've been really enjoying everything. I'm not so concerned about gaining weight (it helps that I really haven't gained a lot in the last month or so...) I know that I'm in a good spot heading into my 3rd trimester when I can't really help the weight gain, and it would actually worry me if I didn't gain very much weight. I have noticed no stretch marks (from the baby, I already had my fair share from before). I've had some back pain, but the chiropractor seems to be helping with that just fine, and everyone seems to think I make a pretty cute pregnant lady, so I really can't complain.

maybe the coolest thing ever...

2008-10-09T16:41:00.002-05:00

I was really excited to get to about 16 weeks or so, knowing that at any point between then and 20 weeks is when I would start feeling the baby move. I tried to find out a lot of information - when, how it feels, how do I know, etc. It's most often described as "fluttering", or like bubbles, a lot of women mistake it for gas or hunger. I had also read that you could feel it easiest when you were still and paying attention, if you're busy during the day you're more likely to miss it because the movement is so slight.

So for about the last week I've been taking more time to try and feel things. At one point I was slouched over in my chair at work and thought I had felt something. Then I straightened up and realized that it was more like my diaphragm than my uterus that was actually moving. I ended up going thru the weekend thinking maybe I had felt something here or there, but not ever really being sure, seeing as I've never actually felt anything quite like a baby moving inside my own body.

On Tuesday afternoon, I happened to be sitting at my desk and felt sort of what I had felt here and there over the weekend. And then it happened again. And again. And then some more. I was pretty sure at that point that it's really what I thought it was, that baby was a-movin'! It was pretty much like gas moving around in your tummy, or I could see how people describe it as fluttering. It feels a little like being really nervous, when your stomach is just all aflutter and you just can't calm it down. More than anything tho, it literally feels like someone poking very softly from the inside. Like any normal person, that of course called to mind the scene from Alien where the baby alien pops out of the guy's chest, which made me chuckle a little bit. For the rest of the afternoon it was a little distracting, little bubble feelings every few minutes, I wasn't honestly sure if I liked it or not.

Then I got home and tried to feel it some more, and realized I really couldn't. I think I feel it more when I'm sitting up, or scrunched up, giving the baby a little less room to move around. This would explain why I can feel it more at work. There must be tons of space still (I would hope so, there's still lots to grow!) because yesterday I didn't really feel Baby much at all, at work or otherwise. I was a little bit concerned, but today's been fairly active, so I think Baby must have just moved a little closer to the surface again or something. I've actually been feeling the baby on the right side, stronger than before, all in the same area, like s/he's practicing kicking a target or something. It actually feels like an intentional jab, instead of just a soft tapping. I think I'm over wondering if I like it or not. I pretty definitely like it. I feel like I'm sharing something with this little thing that I really hadn't before, almost like a little bit of communication, Baby just letting me know that s/he's there.

On a side note, I'm really going to have to figure out a pronoun for this kid. We're not going to find out if it's a boy or girl, and I'm getting to not like referring to the baby as "it", and the whole "s/he" thing seems silly and like too much work. Suggestions anyone?

17 weeks and counting

2008-10-06T12:50:00.002-05:00

Well, almost. 17 weeks will be tomorrow.

I'm sure anyone who is or has been pregnant will agree that the weeks tend to fly and creep by. It was already 7 weeks ago when I saw my baby for the first time. It was already 2 weeks ago since my last appointment, and only 3 more weeks until the next one when we get to see another ultrasound.

But my belly has been growing by millimeters, it seems. Quick enough so not all my pants fit, but slowly enough that I'm still pushing off going shopping for new pants. December seems forever away, not to mention actually making it to March. For as long as I've been pregnant, I'm still not even half way there.

I would say overall I'm enjoying things. Especially now that I've gained a little freedom from the eating every 2 hours cycle. I still get hungry about every 2hrs, but the consequences of not immediately eating aren't anywhere near the same. I can even let my tummy growl for a little bit and decide when I want to go to lunch, not when the baby wants to go. That's nice. I'm not really enjoying not fitting into things, it's been harder to find stuff to wear. I think that's a mix of a growing belly and the fact that in the past 4-6 months we've donated something like 4-6 bags of old clothes, and haven't really bothered to replace them, which I guess is the idea behind cleaning out your closet.

It's also been fun learning what you can and cannot do while pregnant - mowing the lawn? Definite yes, especially if it's a self-propelled mower. Digging up bushes? Not so much. Running? Not me, since my heart rate jumps and stays up too high. Disc Golf? Also a no, I was surprised to find how much you use your abdominal muscles while throwing a disc. I had already given up Ultimate due to the running, but apparently even if I could still sprint up and down a field I would have a hard time with actually throwing a frisbee. I was doing laundry this weekend and wondering how long it will take for it to be really difficult for me to lift and carry a really full basket of dirty clothes with a big belly, and also how precarious a walk up or down the stairs would get with full arms...guess we'll find out!

I definitely feel "like my old self"; energy levels are up, I've felt really good besides a cold a couple weeks back, but I still am getting tired by 10-10:30. Naughty me, I usually stay up later than that. Like last night, almost made it to midnight...ouch. There happened to be this really interesting show on PBS about genetic screening and what some people choose to do with the information...but I recorded (hopefully) the rest of it and will watch it later. I haven't been out after the Rock in...about 16 weeks, we did have people over on Friday night, but I ditched them all just after 11pm, such a great hostess!

One thing I'm not used to is there's a lot more worrying in my head than ever before. I'm not generally a worrier, but there's been a bit on my mind lately. We did have everything in place financially for me to stay home when the baby comes. We then decided to finish off the basement (I think it was the right move) and now have a lot more in bills, etc to take care of. Which means I'm not sure where things will be at come March. We have no idea if we'll be able to refinance our home like we would like, there's just a lot more up in the air. Not cool.

Also, I've been having irrational fears of miscarrying. I will admit I thought about it a fair amount during the first trimester, and literally breathed a sigh of relief when I passed 13 weeks. But it still seems like every little twinge or out of the ordinary symptom (even the ones that I know are totally normal) brings actual mental images of me miscarrying and needing to be rushed to the hospital. I know about how big my baby is right now, and I've thought about how it would be to see it outside of my womb. I can't quite figure out if that is actually normal. I keep tying it back to thinking that even with our difficulties in getting pregnant, that things just haven't been difficult enough. God's plan can include anything, and it's not like I think he would maliciously take our baby or that it would happen for no good reason at all, but it's almost like I don't trust that He wouldn't have some reason, and therefore take the baby. I really don't think that's right, tho. Even if something like that were allowed to happen, I don't think He would want it to happen, just that He would use it, as awful as that would be.

Well, I didn't really intend to go all dark and depressing to end things off. Pregnancy and life in general really are good. I find that there are more things to be anxious about, but I think those should be more things to trust God with. There's only so much at this point that I can plan. There's a baby coming. In March. That's less than 6 months away, and there's nothing we can do about it. Between now and then we'll try to figure out what to do with this baby, how to plan for it, we'll put together the nursery (I'm pretty sure at least...) Everything else is pretty much not in our hands. We'll do what we can to be ready, and then see what God has in store. Not being in control is fun!

baby update

2008-09-02T07:41:00.002-05:00

there have been plenty of reasons I've been thinking it'd be nice to have internet at our house...one of them is so I can actually update this thing more often than once a trimester...but then again I would probably just end up playing online games or just on Facebook all the time, something productive like that. Oh well.

So yeah, as far as pregnancies go, I'm thinking I've had it pretty easy. I haven't puked once. I only broke down crying once (so far), and that was because I was so hungry I felt like puking and pretty much doing anything but eating at that moment. Not too bad. My main concern now is that my belly seems to be finally growing to the point that certain articles of clothing aren't fitting quite as well as they used to. The upside to this is that I seem to have only gained about 5lbs total, which is on the high end, but still acceptable. Considering that I haven't eaten the best this past holiday weekend, I would say I'm not doing too badly. I still kind of wish that one day I wouldn't have a belly and then the next day it would be an obviously pregnant belly; most people at work don't know, and so it feels like every day I come in trying to hide it out of normal self consciousness that people are going to start wondering and talking or something. Maybe a bit paranoid, but that's what's up.

In actual baby news, things are great. I'm 12wks today, officially due on St. Patty's day. Considering my Irish heritage, it could be worse. =) We saw the doctor a couple weeks ago, had an ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, and were utterly amazed. The baby is moving around so much! It's hard to believe that I can't feel it yet. But it was still only about 1 1/2 inches long at that point, I know that part will come soon enough.

I've been feeling better for the last couple weeks, actually making it 3 and sometimes 4 hours between eating. I still get in trouble by not listening to my body well enough and ignoring the hunger. I end up making macaroni & cheese or something quick and easy because it's the only thing I can manage while feeling like I'm going to pass out. I've been doing alright getting in the fruits and veggies, definitely more now than in the weeks leading up to pregnancy, so that's good. I still can't stay up much past 10:30, that's pretty much when everything shuts down. I've been trying to get ready and to bed before then, but again, it's earlier than my normal bedtime, so I'm pretty ok with it. The one thing I really know I need to work on is exercise. I can't run right now, but I should be walking more than I do. I think I might just need to dust off the old treadmill (literally...) and get it going again. Fall is coming tho, and that would be an awfully nice excuse to enjoy my favorite time of year.

Alright, so there are the highlights, I'll pass on the descriptions of exactly how my body is changing in many different ways, because well, it's just better that way.

quickest of updates

2008-07-29T07:53:00.003-05:00

because I really meant to post this last week, and haven't had time or wasn't feeling well.
So I took this test a couple weeks ago and I passed!

I am officially pregnant!!

We were telling people if they asked, but now I think everyone can know (or at least everyone that reads my blog, I know there are a couple of you.) There's so much more to tell and share and things I've been learning, but again, no time, since I'm at work. I just started with the "morning" sickness last week, which is more like "any time of the day or night if my body feels it needs food" sickness, which just makes it hard to get to the library after work or feel like doing much of anything.

But thank you for all the prayers and encouragement, I have a feeling I could use more as the days and weeks go along. I'm pretty excited because I spent some time with God last night and found some new scriptures on endurance and seeking grace and mercy from God, which I will definitely need. It's hasn't always been the most real, believable thing, even with positive tests and a visit to the doctor last week, but it's slowly dawning on me that this is fo' real, and there is something growing in my belly. That's kind of cool.

More later, tho I can't promise exactly when, but I wanted to at least say something after being quiet for so long...

bathroom prayers

2008-07-07T16:31:00.002-05:00

Today is day 28.

I haven't started my period. I haven't taken a pregnancy test.

I drink, on average, about 80oz of water during the work day. This means I go to the bathroom a lot. Each time I've gone today has tended to grip my heart just a little bit with the possibility of bad news. I feel anxious, but I don't. But I kind of do. I'm steeling myself against any bad news, understanding fully that it will hurt a lot if and when it comes, no matter what. So my only recourse at this point has been to pray. Every time I go to the bathroom. Every time. Nothing huge, just trying to remind myself to be thankful, that I gave this situation to God and He promised that His peace will guard my heart and mind if I just ask God for what I need and thank Him for all that He has given me.

I actually started praying last night, just in case it came early. I was actually thinking of taking a test when I got home today, but we're bringing dinner to Dirk and Kat and Nora tonight, so me being a wreck might not make for a fun time, just in case. I want to know, to get it over with, but I don't want to take a test tomorrow morning and then carry a negative result in to work, so maybe tomorrow after work. Maybe. I also have to get up the guts in general to even take the dumb thing.

I guess maybe I should focus on the positives here. If I'm not pregnant, you'd better believe I'm drinking a beer sometime soon (a good beer!). Also, if I not pregnant, then I can go to Valleyfair this summer and ride the rides. I love me some rollercoasters. I will not need to worry about being able to play ultimate or tugging up the bushes in my yard (at least for a couple more weeks). And I can also have coffee. Mmmm, coffee. This does give a little perspective.

Anyway, that's all I got. I have to go to the bathroom now...

In Other News...

2008-07-03T06:50:00.004-05:00

Lest anyone think this baby stuff takes up ALL my time (just a lot of it sometimes, especially in my head), there are actually plenty of things going on in general, and since I'm posting sort of regularly, I might as well throw that in too.

So, if you've come over to our house in the last few weeks you've probably gotten the tour of our basement; when we bought the house about half of the basement was unfinished, and we're now turning that into a bedroom, bathroom and a small office/storage space. It's very cool coming home every day and seeing something new, it's super cool now that it's getting very close to being done. The sheetrock is up, the tile is in the bathroom, the tub/shower is all set, we're going to paint this weekend so that Jon (Brenne) can put the finishing touches on it all next week. Then maybe I can get rid of the ever thickening layer of dust that has shown up all over the house. The timing was so we could get it done and hopefully paid off before a baby comes and add value to our house which will come in handy since the housing market isn't really helping in that regard, and it'd be nice to refinance our mortgage one day.

Mmmm, what else? Also if you've come over lately, you'll have seen my ill-advised attempt at landscaping. I was trimming the bushes that sort of define part of our back yard, and noticed that there were a LOT of dead branches in each bush. So I started kind of yanking and pulling to see if I could get just those branches out. Most of them came up with no fight, sometimes bringing chunks of the bush with them. One whole bush came up, roots and all. That sort of gave me the idea that I should take up the whole bunch. We had mentioned it a couple times since last summer, we don't particularly like them, and they're pretty much the worst part of mowing the lawn. The only reason I've kept up with this idea is because I can do it myself. And because I ended up making a couple of gaping holes in the line of them that just looks kind of awful. The bushes in general are so dead that the biggest sections of roots kind of just crumble apart in places, which makes it pretty easy to cut them out with a shovel and pull them up. I'm about a third of the way through, and I'd like to make sure this is done by winter this year. I'd say I have plenty of time, but that would just seem to invite procrastination and laziness.

The bad part about this endeavor is that it's a shady part of the yard, especially in the evenings, when I'm sweating out aggression from a frustrating day at work. I learned early on that bugspray and jeans are necessary, but just figured out this last week that I really need to have something on my head, too. This is because I now have mosquito bites on my scalp. Itchy, painful bumps right on my noggin, like a half dozen of them. I really never would have never thought they'd be able to get through all my hair, but I guess I was wrong.

What else? It looks like my mom is finally actually truly going to move to Phoenix. She's aiming for September, which is not far away. I don't think I like that idea at all, but she says that's where God is leading her, blah blah blah...whatever.

This time next week I will have had my one year anniversary with my new job. I like it still, it's really challenging. And very busy, especially right now. But hopefully that will get better soon. Or I'll just get pregnant and will only have to wait out 9 more months, whichever...I've mentioned here and there how I would like to just not work, or just work part time, because I so feel like I'm just neglecting the house and taking care of my family, and Seth actually said one time that we could maybe think about it if the pregnancy thing takes longer than we're hoping (well, technically it already has...) Now I just have to keep my mouth shut because the last thing I want to do it annoy him into taking that off the table, because I would love it SO much! Just work half days or something and then have energy to work out and grocery shop and clean up and do all those home projects that I've been mentally listing out....maybe one day.

Weekend plans? Tonight is the Rock, also having Jim and Christine over (yay!). Tomorrow is the Rock 4th of July picnic and maybe going to my mom's afterward, Saturday is my sister in-law's 30th b-day, Sunday is painting extravaganza. I'm sure in there somewhere will be some sleep and fireworks or something. We've got the paint and colors and everything, I'm pretty excited.

Hmm, I thought there might have been more going on. Maybe that's just the mostly interesting stuff. Maybe next week I will have some news, maybe not. Mostly I've just been praying for God's will to be my will, it's definitely helped a lot.

una vez mas

2008-06-27T07:30:00.000-05:00

Faster than I expected, here I am doing appointments and IUIs again. It’s kind of nice, because this is my first time doing it twice in a row, and there’s sort of a sense of momentum. The same day that my period started I talked to the nurse at the clinic and made plans and got prescriptions and pretty much had everything set 2 weeks ago. I was taking pills later the same week, for 5 days in a row, then this week I started my appointments again.

So last week I took some Clomid to help get things ready, Monday was my follicular ultrasound, and it was kind of cool. I saw several promising follicles, and as hoped, got my HCG shot. This is a good thing because it means my body is responding well, and I have thought a little bit ahead to what if we wanted more than one kid and the possibility of having to do this all over again, which would be a pretty moot point if I ended up pregnant with twins (well, sort of. I would like more than 2 kids myself). There are plenty of difficulties to that plan, but ever since I was a kid I have wanted twins, a boy and a girl. But again, I’m not trying to get ahead of myself.

So Tues and Wed were IUIs. The nurse seemed quite pleased at the look of things both days, which I take as a good sign. And now it’s back to waiting. I hate this part, but I think it was easier last month with a tempered hope, and now with an even further tempered hope after last month, and being super busy at work should help keep my mind off wandering too far into the future.

I’m kind of soured on the daydreaming bit, to tell the truth. It doesn’t help anything out, and it’s dumb to daydream of something, and then come back to reality and (at least from my current perspective) have no reason to actually feel that hopeful. I realize this sounds a little jaded and maybe a tad bitter. And I don’t know, maybe it is. I just figured out over the weekend that I still have a problem with my point of view in this situation, and it’s a bit frustrating.

I don’t know exactly when it was, I think there were a couple places over the weekend that I really caught a glimpse of where my head has been hanging around, but I was able to finally verbalize it on Sunday. So remember how I’ve said at least twice how I know that God does not grant children on merit? Still, somehow in my funny little brain or heart or somewhere, I am clinging desperately to this idea that God will bless us with a child if we will just put in our time and wait long enough and try hard enough. And we’d probably have to believe just right as well. That sounds like it would be something we deserve, right? It’s like there’s still a small part of me that’s convinced in the old charismatic ways that if I just say this and do that and turn around 3 times, kiss my elbow and pass the test, that I’ll be guaranteed God’s blessings, exactly as I’d like them, thank you very kindly.

I turned away years ago from the idea that this is how God works. I had heard it phrased around that time that people tend to treat God like a genie, that you just rub the lamp, do the “right” thing, and He’s got to respond how you want Him to. These are His spiritual laws, after all; He’s got to follow His own rules, right? Ummm, yeah, that’s right around when I figured out about sovereignty, and how the God that made the universe has His own way of working things out in it, and really, we can ask for what we need and want, but it’s up to Him, ultimately. Yes, He wants us to have good things, wants to bless us, etc. etc, but our thoughts of blessings and His tend to be a little bit different, from what I have seen. Don’t get me started on what we think we might need vs. what God really knows about what we need…

So don’t be anxious about anything, but pray about everything, tell God what you need and thank Him for all the He’s done for you. How do I tread the fine line of wanting and hoping for a baby of our own while surrendering it to God and having it be ok if it doesn’t happen? It seems that if I give up my right to have my own kids that I don’t care as much. I think I know that this is not a true thought, but I’m having a hard time convincing myself. Why would we be working this hard if we didn’t really want to be pregnant? This has taken a big toll on both of us. I want to think that I care about it so much that I absolutely have to put it in God’s hands and let Him decide, but that isn’t very close to the truth. Do I trust that He’ll give me a baby one day? I don’t know. Do I trust that He’ll do right by me and my husband? I’m more convinced of this, but I want to see it, at least a little bit, before I commit fully. Maybe it comes down to (maybe more than a little) wanting a baby more than I want God’s will in my life at this very moment.

And there it is - there’s my problem. I was thinking today about something Jamie said to me on Sunday, that somehow, at some time, she is sure that God is going to bring children into our lives and our home. She’s not sure how that will happen, just that it will. I think that adoption and foster care are amazing things and opportunities that I would not hesitate in the least to become a part of if that’s where God leads us. Seeing the impact that we’ve been able to have on our niece and nephew just over weekends together is enough to convince me that we would be able to help change lives in some capacity. Even if we had a full brood of our own, I don’t know that’s a door I would close entirely. Watching how Seth is so good around boys and how he’s such a good example of a godly man and how desperately some of the boys we know need that role model, I would definitely want to share that with as many kids as we’d be able to.

I’ve had to open up my horizons before and let God out of the box that I was trying to make for Him with my future before. It led me to such an amazing adventure of being married and serving in our church, making this our family and focus. I think I should be able to work on letting God out of my “baby box” of expecting things to happen “just so”. It’s funny to me how hard I’ve worked at trusting God, how far it seems that I have come, just to find one more area in which I am lacking. Maybe this is it, the final barrier to trusting God!

Or maybe I know better from 29 ½ years of living…

So to actually finish the update: Last night I start taking more pills, which will apparently put me to sleep and also help maintain any possible pregnancies. Bring on the Progesterone! And then…really, there’s nothing but waiting. And hopefully working on really truly completely surrendering my life and my hopes and my dreams.

Still Waiting

2008-06-13T06:46:00.003-05:00

“So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.” Galatians 6:9

This is currently my favorite verse. Guess why…

For as healthy as I had felt going into this week - not too hopeful, working on continually trusting God no matter what pops into my head - I was really surprised with how incredibly crushed I was to find out that all our efforts in the last couple weeks had been in vain. I even had a couple minutes where I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to try again. Of course I still wanted to, and I still do, but I just entirely undone for a minute there.

I wanted…well, mostly I wanted to cry, and go to bed. But it was Monday morning; I had the whole work day ahead of me. I was definitely upset. And I wanted to be angry, mostly at God, or at my circumstances, which really would be at God, since He’s the one in charge of those circumstances. But I just couldn’t, not after I had worked so hard at giving everything having to do with this over to Him. So I had pancakes for lunch with my kind friend who was nice enough to put her lunch plans on hold to hang out and get my mind off of myself (for future reference, I have now found that I am willing and able to discuss So You Think You Can Dance in pretty much any situation). I also ended up leaving just a little bit early when I decided that I couldn’t get my brain to work anymore. I utterly sobbed on the way home, got there, crawled into bed, and sobbed some more. My hubby was good enough to let me just stay there. I read my verses some, and then slept. Wow, does a nap do you good when you’re really upset. I felt much better after that.

I think it was frustrating because this month I feel like I had more reason to hope than ever. I had a new clinic, all sorts of follow up, a for sure knowledge of when I ovulated, IUIs two days in a row, and I was still doing a pretty good job at keeping my emotions in check, not getting ahead of myself. All that work, all that effort (and there was quite a bit of effort involved in some of it, which will hopefully never have to be repeated), and nothing to show for it. I still got rocked, hit harder than ever by disappointment. What encouragement can I take from that?

The only thing I have to cling to is that God is in control. But why should that be enough? To be perfectly honest, I’m not really that sure. But it has to be. He’s the one that’s capable enough to hold my entire life in His hand and know each and every day of it. He’s wiser than I am, a lot more understanding of all the different factors and everything that goes into every piece of my life, marriage, future, etc. He’s the one that knows what’s best. Somehow, it fits in to His plans that we spend more money, more time off work, more effort, more emotional strength on doing this at least one more time. And my only hope of getting through it is to choose to believe that He knows what He’s doing.

Another challenge that I’ve had to face this week is that even though I’ve already decided that children are not granted to people based on merit, I can’t help thinking that we can’t possibly have struggled with this long enough to be done with it. How ridiculous is this idea? I know that it comes from knowing other couples who are in similar situations, dealing with doctors and hormones and drugs and surgeries for months and years now, trying to conceive. Why would we be able to expect an easier road? Of course I know better, I know that I can’t compare our lives to anyone else’s. God wants to bless these couples just as much as He wants to bless us, but it’s not likely to be in the same way. ‘The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you”’ Ps. 32:8. It’s encouraging to know that there are people in the same boat as we are; they have been kind enough to share their struggles with us and I have found much comfort from that. I just still have to keep my eyes on God, and look to Him to advise us and guide us.

So this is where Galatians comes in. It’s not exactly the context in which you normally hear this verse used. It’s usually in persevering through persecution or in reaching out to someone who is not responding how you would like them to. But I would put trying to have kids and start a family in the category of doing good, there are plenty of verses about how children are a blessing and it is definitely a good thing to raise godly children to try and further God’s work. There are obviously still a few ways in which I need to work on how I perceive this situation, so this helps me. I can keep in mind that what we’re doing is good, that the end will come eventually, whenever God decides it’s time.

I’ve realized in thinking about my marriage or about this particular situation, that I feel that I’ve actually done a pretty decent job of focusing on God and doing things His way. This doesn’t really happen in many areas of my life, so for these major things to be shaping up this way is pretty huge. What it has come down to, as far as I can tell, is a matter of making one decision at a time. It always seems to be a simple decision, but several simple decisions add up to one or two big decisions, and as I’ve gone on, the harder decisions get a lot easier because of how I’ve dealt with the decisions that came before. This is how it’s supposed to work, at least I’m pretty sure that it is.

No promises

2008-06-09T08:15:00.000-05:00

I can't promise that I'll do very well with this, but I'd like to at least try. There's been some serious stuff going on in my life and I was thinking this weekend that it might be a good thing to blog about, for a couple reasons. Several people know about it, and this would be an easy way to alert these several people to what's going on so that they don't all have to come ask (not that I mind anyone asking, because I don't...anymore) but I know that some people don't want to ask for whatever reason, this makes that easier as well. And then I hope that through sharing my struggles other people might find encouragement as well. I wouldn't be where I am without the help and encouragement of others, so maybe I can help someone else too. So yeah. This used to be a closely kept secret, but God's really worked on my heart, and maybe he'll continue using it as I continue being open...

For about a year and a half, Seth and I have been trying to conceive. It's obviously been unsuccessful, as anyone can tell by my lack of gushing posts about how cute our baby is and how much he or she poops. We've been working with doctors since November, and have just gone through a 2nd round of Intrauterine Inseminations (IUIs).

Oh boy. So many reasons not to tell anyone. Not because we/I was ashamed that we were having trouble in this area, but I didn't really want to call attention to myself/ourselves, didn't want anyone's pity, didn't want people constantly asking how things are going (that's not really true, but I only really wanted certain people asking, and those are the only people I told at first, for that very reason). So in various methods, God slowly and gently revealed to me that it actually is a good thing to let people in and share with them. It helps me because now I've got more support than just my husband, it helps the people we tell if they want to know how to pray for us. It helps me be accountable to how I'm dealing with everything and where I'm allowing my heart and head to run off to, and it helps to hopefully encourage other people who are struggling either in this area or another where trusting God is amazingly difficult at times.

Ok, the summary: we've been through lots of tests and basically know what's going on. We have a good idea of why we haven't gotted pregnant yet, hence the IUIs. This boosts our chances of getting pregnant, but not hugely. So there's been a lot of waiting and some stress and anxiety. Back in March we tried for the first time with the IUI, and for the 2wks afterward, until I got my period, I was an utter wreck. Those who know me well know that I am about as easy going as they come, but I was so full of anxiety and fear, and hope, but mostly anxiety. The cool thing is right about the time that this started, I was following in the One Year Bible, and about every day for a week I would find a verse in the Psalms that spoke directly to me about this. So I read those over and over and prayed them over and over and still stressed out and worried.

I came to wonder how I could glorify God when I was such a mess? I went through about a second of trying to figure out why God wouldn't want us to be parents, and realized as soon as I wondered it that it was a ridiculous question. The world would be an entirely different place if only the deserving were allowed to conceive. And then I wondered why not now? We've paid down as much debt as we can for now, we could live off of Seth's income, I've come down a long road of being a little wishy-washy about wanting to have kids "now" to really really wanting kids right now, it just all seemed to line up. And yet...no babies.

I still don't know why not now. My best guess is that He's still working on something in my heart (I can only speak for myself here). I've learned so much, especially over the last 4-5 months of how I trust God conditionally, when the outlook is favorable, when I think I'm getting my way, then it must be God. But when things aren't going the way I want them too, then I just kind of fall apart. So I've been surrendering. Everything. A lot. About every few minutes, over the last few days. Whenever I notice myself daydreaming about telling my husband or our small group, or when I would have to start shopping for maternity clothes. And just in the last day or so I've had to think about being too pessimistic, because that's not really trusting God either, if I just assume that it's not going to work.

I woke up this morning with this song in my head, and I'm just going to hold onto it as long as I can because this is where I'm at. I need a reminder that no matter what happens, He is faithful. Maybe not to my plans, maybe not to my desires, but to Himself and to what's best for me:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

coming full circle

2008-03-03T17:59:00.002-06:00

It's Monday. I really wish it was Friday. Not because then it's the weekend, but then I get to go to the Rock and hang out with my family. I thought of that this morning, and realized that's how I felt way back when 8 years ago when I started coming to the Rock. I couldn't wait for Saturday so I could see my small group and hang out with my friends.

I have been increasingly grateful over the past few weeks for the Rock and everyone that we know there. I really don't know if I could fully express how thankful I am. I know that I have had my times of thinking about leaving, feeling like I've heard the same messages and the same stories a gajillion times before and that maybe, just maybe I've learned all I can here and it's time to move on. But God kept me (and later us) around. There really isn't any way that I see us leaving the Rock at this point, with the sole exception of planting a church. In Peru. (I can still dream!)

I think it's been a slow process, just seeing over and over the faithfulness of God and how he has used people from the Rock in my life. I see Mark and his love for the Rockers, and his vision to see us be great. I see my house church leaders and their passion for helping others grow and to really do an excellent job in what they've been given. I know ministry leaders who tirelessly serve and serve and serve and serve seemingly without complaint or exhaustion. I've had girlfriends who have walked with me through every step of my "adult" life (and by that I mean since graduating college, I still don't always feel very grown up) and have loved, encouraged, and challenged me more times than I can count. I get to hang out with the future of the Rock just about every week in childcare and get to watch the kids get to know the Lord better and be trained to serve, and I know that's what I want for my kids.

People have said they haven't felt community at the Rock like they used to. The funny thing is, I feel like my contact with most people in general has been very limited (between childcare and having our niece and nephew there most weekends, my ability to meet new people or catch up with old friends is really not what it used to be) but I still feel more a part of the community now than I think I ever have. Maybe it's because of who I'm spending time with or how I'm spending the bits of time that I have free. Maybe it's a change of perspective? I'm not really sure, but it's definitely real. I wouldn't trade what I have at the Rock for anything.

Even earlier this year, I was feeling dissatisfied with my small group because we had just joined it, and we knew everyone but didn't feel very close to them. I was just sticking with it because I know it's harder to get close in a married group and we needed to give it time, and there's really no other married small group options in our house church....and then just last night I had the best time with the other girls in the group when we split from the guys. I felt very much like they were more than just friends, they were my sisters, people that I can trust.

The last 3 or so weeks have been quite difficult for me, full of anxiety (which I don't normally struggle with) and worry. There are all sorts of things we don't know and questions we can't answer, and nothing's going to be clear for at least a couple more weeks. This has actually been going on for many months to a lesser degree, but it's really coming to a head, I guess you could say, right now. There have been certain people that have been in on it all from the beginning, and I was really hesitant to let others in. But I think out of necessity, in order to keep my sanity intact I've shared with others, mostly just from small group. I was reminded today that one of Satan's best lies is that we can't share our struggles with others, and then he'll use that to keep us thinking we're alone. That might be what I've been so excited about the Rock for most of all - simply because we're not alone. We've got people to share our lives with, to care for and to love us, and to help us grow.

I think sometimes about where I would be in my life without God, and I wondered today where I would be without the Rock. I definitely feel like I've got so far to grow, so much still to learn, but I feel so spiritually alive, so healthy compared to where I was in college and before that. I am so much more convinced of who God is and who I am in Him, I know these things in a way that I never did, even growing up in a Christian home. And God used the Rock to get me here and He keeps using the Rock to help push me along little by little.

Yeah, I don't really know how to express this without coming across at least a little cheesy, but I'm not sure that I care very much. I'm proud of the Rock, who we've been, who we are now, and I'm really really excited to see who we become in the future, I think God's got something amazing in store. I love being excited to go to the Rock, even if it's hectic on Fridays to get the kids, get dinner ready and then get there super early to get things set up for School of Rock. I'll admit that I have longed for "the good old days", but not anymore. I just wanted to hang around with my friends back then, to be in the presence of the coolest people I knew. Now I want to serve, I want to share my life with them and share in their lives, and to watch where God takes them, and where He's bringing us all together.

2008-02-07T13:30:00.000-06:00

Yeah, remember that part that I wanted to keep up with the blogging? Well, turns out I don’t like having to carve out time to specifically find internet access once I’m home. And staying at work much longer than I need to stay isn’t really a great option, traffic-wise. If I stay until 5, I may as well stay until 6, because that’s when traffic isn’t going to drive me insane. And that’s just usually much too long. But if I work this right, I can work on a post at home on the laptop, and just bring it to work and upload it at lunch. Let’s try that!

So I said something a couple weeks ago about being intentional. And I heard nothing but good, encouraging things about it (thanks for that comment, Ben!) So I did actually work on it that weekend and came up with a list of things I would like to work on being intentional about. I’ll post the short list here, not a lot of detail, but just the basics:

I intend to:

-- get closer to God, through listening to all the Faithwalkers messages and working on memorizing scripture
-- invest in my marriage, serve my husband more and better
-- be more disciplined – my life-long struggle, but I intend to change that
-- find out what I believe and to find a focus – I really want to put my faith into action. In order to do that, tho, I really should know what it is I believe and why, and then figure out where that leads me to invest my time and energy.
-- to reach out and be bold with my faith. I know enough people with whom I have a good enough rapport to comfortably speak the truth in love. So why don’t I?
-- keep working on these all year and not give up even if I mess up or forget about something.

So that's that, I probably need to look at these more often than every couple weeks, even, there are a couple things that I've actively passed on lately...

sincerity

2008-01-26T21:56:00.000-06:00

I was driving to work yesterday morning, and found myself caught behind a Nissan Murano in the far left lane (the "fast" lane, if you will) with LOTS and LOTS of wide open space in front of it. This would be the epitome of a pet peeve for me.

I've been struggling lately in general with my words, thoughts, and attitudes while driving. One of the hardest things about my new job is that because of the hours I work, I'm on the road longer in my commute, even though I'm actually a little closer to home. I don't like it, but it's not likely to change anytime soon. I also don't like the idea of saying anything rude, even mildly so, in front of my neice and nephew as we're going home on Fridays (in the middle of rush hour traffic, pretty much always in a hurry because of the time crunch to get dinner and leave for the Rock), the thought that I will one day have kids of my own in the backseat has also crossed my mind a time or two, and so I might as well work on it now, right?

So as I muttered some snarky comment at the aforementioned Murano, I immediately repented and asked God for help - why do I always find myself saying these things? Such a minor inconveniece - we were even going a little over the speed limit, but it just wasn't good enough. And I thought of something.

I've worked on my sense of humor, specifically sarcasm, for years now. It was one of the things in high school that helped me come out of my shell and actually make friends and meet new people. You might not guess it, but I was pretty painfully shy back then. Sarcasm has also been pretty well used in my family, at least around my mom, and by extension my siblings. So it's a pretty standard form of communication. I have found it helpful in breaking the ice, in livening up conversations, in making my friends laugh, or just amusing myself (not everyone thinks I'm so funny all the time).

But what if that's the problem? I've practiced it so much that a lot of times it's what pops into my head first when thinking of comments. There have been a few inappropriate times when all I could think about was something snarky or slightly mean to say. As I learn more about being a godly woman and think more about having kids one day, I find myself really wanting to be kind and sincere in what I say. There's part of me that sees that as boring and maybe a little cheesy, but how many verses are there about your words and what you should and shouldn't say, and how what's in your heart comes out your mouth? I've been working on my list of things that I intend to be intentional about this year, and I think I may have to look over it again to make sure this is on it too.

focus

2008-01-23T17:41:00.000-06:00

As I've heard people come back with awesome stories from Faithwalkers, and have been listening to the messages themselves, I've been praying and thinking about what should be my focus this year.

I think the idea is dawning on me that out of everything that I'd like to focus on, intention is what is coming to the forefront. I've just been reminded that I will have to give an answer to God for everything that I've ever done in my life, and just been told that what I sow in my 20s I'll reap in my 40s...which is great, considering that my 20s are almost over....how am I going to answer God for the things I've done? I obviously can't change anything that's already been done, but I can change my outlook and motivation for things that I will be doing. How can I be more intentional in my marriage? With our neice and nephew and family in general? At work? As a small group member or coach? As a friend? I suppose I'll have to figure out what my intentions actually are first.

In discussing our marriage recently, I realized for all the times I said that I wasn't intending to do harm - a lot of those times I wasn't intending not to do it either, and look what happened. It takes a more active stance on everything in general - how do I want my life to look this time next year? What do I need to do to see that happen? There are some things in the works, but as this is quite the new thought process, I will need to work on it. BUT, I intend to take some time and make a list....by the end of the weekend. So maybe I'll have something new to say early next week. Or maybe you can ask me about it on Monday...

back on the horse

2008-01-22T12:52:00.000-06:00

For awhile, I honestly flirted with the idea of blogocide...Not that I don't have anything to say anymore, but I've got so much in my head that it seems ridiculous to try and find a place to start. It's not that I've been absent, I've been commenting on people's blogs (I've even been longwinded, just ask Carlson), I just haven't wanted to bother with my own.

But I'll give it another shot. Because I still feel that this is a valid format for me to get thought to "paper" and actually work things thru, which is still hard for me if everything just stays in my head. I'm not really sure I have much of an "audience" anymore, but that's fine, maybe I'll be less self-conscious.

No promises as to frequency or quality, but I'm going to give it another go...and here's a quick start:

in case I haven't talked to you in the last month and a half - yes. I ran and finished the Honolulu Marathon. I'm definitely glad that I did it, but I still work on being disappointed with the results. It was way slower than Kathy and I were aiming for, but we finished! And considering the extra challenges that came along with running in a totally different climate than you're used to at that time of year, that's nothing to sneeze at...In general, I felt like I could have pushed myself harder, but I was really concerned about not tiring myself out too quickly. I've decided I'd like to run another marathon, but not this year. I'd like to try again and push a little harder and see what I can do. I also look forward to training without fundraising. It was inspiring to work with Team in Training, but it was very distracting and worrisome to have to continuously check on my amount raised and try to come up with new approaches and new people to ask for money. For this year, I think I would like to do the Twin Cities 10 mile again (just seems like a piece of cake!) and I just started to think about doing a 1/2 marathon in the spring...it would give me a reason to start training again, and by the time it's done, it would be about time to start to train for the 10 mile. And then I've kept up with running for half the year! Then maybe next year or the year after I would take on the Twin Cities Marathon, or join Christine in Chicago or something. We'll see.

So that's that part of life. Maybe next time will be updates on less athletic stuff, since that's most everything I've been up to lately...

2007-12-06T16:20:00.000-06:00

Seriously? October 11th? Apparently no one's minded the hiatus...sorry about that if you did!

I haven't stopped running. That happens on Sunday, hopefully around 10:30ish...

Oh, to sum up the last 2 months...well, lots of running, much of it going much better than expected. That would include the dreaded 20 mile run, where Coach Dave had us running along the Mississippi River Road down into Hidden Falls (lived not 10 miles from there all my life and never knew about it? Guess that's why they're Hidden Falls?) we saw 2 deer (good eyes Kathy), ran around my old neighborhood in St. Paul, where I realized that it's really hilly over there (you don't notice much when you're in a car). We missed all but one of the 8 waterstops, but luckily my mom was home and she was the hero of the day with vitamin water and advil...right before that we had hit the low point in the morning, 15 miles down, lots of pain, some cussing, etc. But then the Advil kicked in I guess, because it got a lot easier not too long after that. (You'd better believe that Advil will be making an appearance in Honolulu this weekend)

Other than that? work is insane!! Right after I had finished training I was so bored I could hardly handle it, and now? Ummm, yeah, I don't need anything extra for awhile. I'm taking it as a good thing because it means that whoever is in a position above me thinks I'm doing a good enough job to keep piling stuff on...and I'm pretty sure that I'm still figuring out the learning curve and once that's all set, I should be just fine, and then maybe have time to take lunches and keep up on emails and blogs and things. In the meantime, the three people that check my blog will just have to wonder if I'm ever coming back again.

mmm, there's more happening, but I can't think of it, of course. We're leaving tomorrow for Hawaii (the rest of the team left this morning, but Seth didn't have enough vacation time) It's a direct flight, any ideas on what I can do for 8 hours on a plane?

Oh yeah, guess what happened last night? Well, not really last night, it actually started last weekend. Saturday I was being a good wife and doing the laundry while Seth went to go meet with guys for the childcare ministry. I heard the washing machine fill and start agitating, and didn't think about it much, but it seemed pretty quiet not too long after that. I looked in on it when it should have been done only to find a tub full of water and not cleaned clothes, and a washer that wouldn't respond to anything I tried. Checking the fuses, the knobs, etc. Nothing worked! So I called our nearby neighbors, who wouldn't answer their phones (thanks guys) and finally got ahold of my mom who let me track my wet clothes in the snow over to her house to spend as much time as I could doing laundry until we had to go to my office Holiday party that night. My mom was the hero yet again because not only did she finish my laundry, but she folded it up and everything! We picked it up on Sunday afternoon, and I have smelled like my mom all week long. It's a little weird.

Well, after having the repair guy cancel on me because it was snowing yet again on Tuesday night, he came out on Wednesday and promptly figured out my problem. the outlet that the washer was plugged into had broken the circuit (it has one of those Test/Reset buttons on it) and it just had to be reset. Doh. Thanks, here's $49 for making me feel kinda dumb.

But since he was there I had him look at things a little more closely because it's been making this awful squeak whenever it starts up and it leaks from the bottom (I knew it wasn't good, I just didn't know HOW not good that is) apparently the seal in the tub was bad, which caused the leak, and it pretty much rusted the whole transmission. This was what caused the squeaking, AND also caused it not to actually spin, which was why my clothes seemed to never be very spun out and always sopping wet right from the washer...Yeah. It's also what caused the circuit to break from it being overloaded, so I did the right thing by checking the fuses, but didn't think that the actual outlet would have done the trick...

So it was just cheaper to buy a new one, which is what I told Seth when I called him. He was at the MOA hanging out with a friend, who was kind enough to let appliance shopping at Sears serve for the evening's entertainment. (you're the best, Ryan!) So within about 2 hours I went from having a washer that doesn't wash (we're gonna try it again tonight, tho!) to having a new washer delivered on Tuesday when we get back from Hawaii.

And that's how Seth and I decided what to get for each other for Christmas....actually, we haven't, but between that and a trip to Hawaii...I can't think of much more that I need!

Anyway, back to Hawaii...Kathy forwarded me an email this week from a mutual friend who had sent out a list of time slots for when we'll be running to have our friends sign up and pray for us during the marathon! How unbelievably humbling and encouraging and wonderful and touching. I've been a little overwhelmed by how supportive people have been, so many think this is just an amazing thing to even attempt (I suppose I'm one of them) I'm still not quite sure how it will go, but I'm really excited to try it. We'll get sent off with fireworks, how cool is that??! And we're running along the ocean, and it'll be warm with no snow in sight. I'm telling you, it can't be beat.

On the not-so-fun side of the marathon, I haven't made my fundraising goal. I'm a bit farther back than Kathy, with just over $1700 left. If you need any Christmas pies, I think I'll be doing a fundraiser with Bakers Square, along with working at the Metrodome and anything else I can think of. There's still time to donate, and my donation website is still up if you're thinking of it. I've got until January 9th, and I plan on continuing to work for it.

Well, it's not exactly 2 months worth of news, but it'll do.

Oh yeah! There was a pageant in there too. It made news across the country, and even internationally, I believe...

I'm still not too bright about embedding Youtube videos, but here's a link and another one

this week in running

2007-10-11T07:57:00.000-05:00

If there was a theme to this week, it would be "educational"

On Saturday, Kathy and I learned that we really need to ask questions if we're not sure of the route we're supposed to be taking (it's probably a good idea to ask questions even when we think we're sure too). Sunday's run was supposed to be 14 miles. Because of misunderstandings, however, I rounded it out right around 16 miles. And actually felt really good afterwards. It may have helped that miles 11-13 or so were walking, but really, who cares? I came into Saturday with a bad attitude, not wanting to run 14 because 12 was so rough, but now I'm excited for this Sunday's 15 miles.

On Tuesday I ran 3 miles, and learned that I don't necessarily hate that length anymore. The weather is cooler, so that made it nice, and I had a strong backwind on the way home, that helped too. I also learned that even though I haven't used my inhaler in probably 8 months, the cold still bothers my lungs, and it's good to have on hand. I was actually supposed to run 4 miles, but thought I would do 3 outside and 1 on the treadmill (since it was getting dark). While running, I was having some problems breathing, and after stopping, I couldn't find my inhaler. So the 4th mile turned into a trip to Walgreen's to get a prescription refill. On a side note, I found out that my old inhaler was apparently propelled by CFCs and is no longer on the market, so I had to pay $33 for a "brand name" non CFC propelled inhaler. Gotta love it. =(

And then yesterday, I learned that apparently my shins are like swiss cheese. I had a little shin pain Tuesday while running and meant to ice them down, I really did. But it didn't happen. Yesterday they were a little sore during the day, I thought after running a mile or so they'd loosen up, like they usually do. Ummm, no. In fact, after about 4 miles, I wanted to cry (and almost did) because they hurt so badly. The route was to be around Calhoun and Lake of the Isles. I ended up running alone, and decided that Lake of the Isles was not a good idea because it was getting dark, I don't know it as well, don't know how well lit it is, and in general hate running that lake because it's so long and skinny it seems to take forever. Running alone for me is hard enough without adding perception problems into the mix...

So I was the last one in again (other people had started before) and Coach Dave came to find me and run me back in. I told him about my shins, and that it was the bone that hurt, not the muscle, and he said that they have to get weaker before getting stronger (hence the swiss cheese analogy - they break down and then build up), so I should probably take it easy, ice and ibuprofen, etc. otherwise I could get stress fractures. Which gives me a perfect excuse for not running today.

Awww, darn. (actually, kinda!)

update

2007-09-27T12:52:00.000-05:00

ok, I'm totally off track on my mapmyrun page, but hopefully that will be fixed soon, in case anyone cares.

Sunday was 12 miles. OHMYGOODNESS that was hard. I think there's a bit of a difference between Kathy and my running styles, and we'll probably have to figure out what to do with it.
I fully acknowledge that I like to stop, take waterbreaks, stretch, etc and then keep going, my pace can vary, and it's a little annoying, but somehow it helps me cope, especially toward the end. Kathy can't stop running or her knees will die. Hopefully her knees in general will become better as time goes on and she gets treatment, because really, that sucks a lot for them to hurt that much. And really, she's never been as much of a stopper as I have, and I've always appreciated how Kathy pushes me to do better running, this is probably just another one of those things that I'll appreciate later. 12 miles was definitely the hardest yet (also my longest run EVER! I'll be saying that a every week or so for the next little while) and somehow we made it, somewhere around 2:48, minus waterstops and bathroom breaks. And I was actually able to walk afterwards, it's amazing.

Last night was a 4 miler with the group...but there was a bit of a problem. As I was driving to Calhoun, I heard Paul Douglas on the radio saying that Minneapolis would be getting some heavy but brief thundershowers in about 60 minutes. I was figuring that would be about the end of the run, not too bad. So we started going, and I felt alright, not great. Kathy's on vacation, so I was all alone, and my mp3 player's battery died after about 4 songs, not even a whole mile! Ugh. Good thing it was Calhoun, and I had things to pray about, and it was getting dark and there was lightening to watch, so I wasn't horrifically bored. But I still feel like running alone makes me slower than I should be, I can't keep pace with myself very well.

Kathy and I also decided on Sunday that we are the "Queens of the Slow People" out of our running group, we are nowhere near the fast runners, but there are still a few people slower than us.

It makes us feel better, shutup.

I stopped to use the port-o-potty probably close to 2 miles, and when I came out, noticed I was being passed up by people I had started out ahead of. I thought I would catch them easily...but no, I did not. In fact, at one point, they disappeared up ahead to where I couldn't find them again. Of course, they might have started sprinting when the rain came in buckets, but I did not.

I was around the south side of the lake when it started raining. When it was just a slight sprinkle, it was quite welcome. Then it started looking like the lightening was striking right over my head and the rain started coming down sideways, and it was a lot less fun. By the time I got finished with mile 3 I was done, there wasn't really anything that could have convinced me to go the last mile. I was absolutely soaked, so I just went home.

One Shameless Solicitation, coming up!

2007-09-20T17:55:00.000-05:00

"So how's the fundraising going?" You might ask....

I'm a little nervous about it, to tell the truth.

I currently have a deadline of October 1 to raise 1/2 of my goal amount, which would be $2,350. I have currently raised approximately $750, so I'm quite a bit short of that amount. On October 1, if I can't contribute the balance of the money myself (which I can't) then I have to drop out of training and the marathon. My company was going to contribute some funds, but that has apparently been taking a little longer than expected, which actually makes me even more nervous.

As much as I sometimes like the idea of not having to run quite so much, I have really enjoyed going through the training for the most part. God has been using this time a lot to teach me about discipline and trusting Him with EVERYTHING, and was very much looking forward to the challenge of running a marathon. I guess that EVERYTHING does include raising the funds for the marathon as well, so I'm trying to fight off anxiety and worry, but still be as proactive as possible.

So that being said, if any of you, my faithful readers, were thinking of making a contribution to my marathon at all, I would ask that you do so as soon as possible. The fastest way would be online, by going to http://www.active.com/donate/tntmn/mrs_r It is quick, secure, and you'll receive an immediate email confirmation of your donation (so will I). If you know of others that would be interested in donating (from friends and family all the way up to corporate sponsorships) please feel free to pass this along to anyone you can think of, I will take all the help I can get at this point! NO DONATION IS TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL, and approximately 72 cents of every dollar goes right to funding programs and research that directly benefit patients and their families.

If you're not able to contribute, please don't feel like you have to! Maybe tell a friend, or just keep me in your prayers that God would supply this need and I would be able to continue with the training.

I don't personally know anyone who has been affected by Leukemia or Lymphoma, but we have an Honored Teammate, a young girl who is currently going through cancer treatments in whose honor our team is running. I would welcome any stories of family or friends who have endured any type of blood or other cancer, in order to honor their lives and memories as well.

still running!

2007-09-18T13:02:00.000-05:00

In more than one way, as in I'm also running like crazy with everything else in the world and don't have very much time to update this thing...

I've missed updating on my 9 and 11mi runs, I'll ignore the little baby runs in between them for now. They went really great thanks to Kathy and some praying and praise and worship, sung poorly and only during exhales during the last mile to mile and a half of each run. I've noticed that's where things get pretty rough. I even brought extra jelly beans (JellyBelly makes a SportBean that works as an energy supplement and tastes pretty good - nice!) to try and get a little extra push at the very end, but no luch. Around mile 9 of 11 I felt pretty great, but still ended up quite rough, my legs just didn't want to work so well. An extra special thanks to Kathy this weekend for the 11mi run as I couldn't make the group run on Sat. morning (turns out neither could she) so she ran with me on Friday morning instead. I got over to her house a little after 7am, and a little over 2hrs later (only 1 1/2hrs actual running time!!) we made it back there, much relieved, and I've completed my longest run ever. I'll be saying that a lot coming up, seeing as they'll just keep getting longer...

I then proceeded to jump a plane to Vegas for a wedding. For anyone who knows Lizzy Alexandr, you should be pleased and excited to know that he's now married to a really great girl, and looks pretty fantastic in a preppy tennis outfit too (I'll maybe be able to post some pics soon). Outside of time spent with the wedding party, Seth and I didn't care for Vegas much. It was going to be an entirely other post, but I'll just say it and get it out of the way, thinking that I might not have the time to dedicate much more online time to it than that, but feel free to ask me directly if you care and have the chance.

So for all the praying types - I need a lot of money to keep this up. I've gotten some (and thanks to ALL who have given so far) but it's nowhere near the $2350 needed by October 1 to recommit, and there's no way that I could make up the difference myself at this point. That means I would have to drop out. I've got some ideas cooking, some opportunties that I haven't gotten final word on yet, so there's still a chance, but I'll need some divine intervention to make up about $1750 in 2 weeks.

On the praiseworthy side of things - I haven't had problems with shin splints for a couple weeks now. Which actually works out nicely, since my knees seem to be taking up the slack....I've been stretching out my IT band and trying to be extra careful. We'll see how it goes, but I'm pretty pumped about my shins being back to normal, that is definitely an answer to prayer!

Alright, consider yourselves caught up....I'm supposed to be running 4 miles today, hopefully the weather will cooperate.

a bit tired

2007-09-04T19:39:00.000-05:00

well, it's not that I've stopped running, because I haven't, but I'm not really enjoying it lately. There's still the great feeling of accomplishment of running 9 miles on Saturday in 1:38:57 (or somewhere close to that) and on Thursday I felt a tad crazy but overall pretty good from going to the Fair during the day on a scavenger hunt for work (yeah, they paid us, I love my new job!) and then running for 4 miles with Kathy, and then going BACK to the Fair because my hand was stamped, and honestly, I didn't get my french fries the first time around.

But today, I just didn't feel like it. My legs still are a little sore, spending too much time on my knees really makes my shins hurt a lot, and it was really hot out too. Add in the fact that 3 mile runs have been my archnemesis lately, and I didn't want to even think about it. So I did an exercise video instead...cop out? Probably. I'm willing to take it a little easy because I know I'm running tomorrow with the group, and because that's the only way my legs/shins are really going to get better, so overall it's probably just fine, if not preferable to go slow right now. But I feel like I'm slacking, like I'm losing momentum, I don't really like that very much either.

Then there's the part where I really haven't raised much money toward my goal yet. Yeah, I got a couple checks the week after I sent out the letters, but 1 check in the last 2 weeks? Ouch. Not that some people don't have really good reasons for not jumping to support me, what with people out of jobs and such. But I thought this would be as easy, if not easier than raising support for a mission trip. Not so far! There's an upcoming buffet dinner/silent auction at Gasthof's on September 16 that I would be glad to sell people tickets for (yummy german food anyone??) but as Seth and I will be out of town that weekend, I'm coming up a little short for ideas of things that I could donate to the auction. I had quite the brilliant idea that I could make a Chocolate Guinness cake or two, they look and taste spectacular and would likely make at least a little money, but since we're leaving on the Friday before, there's the problem with making them and getting them there while keeping them fresh.

Any ideas? Anyone have fantastic items to sell or personal skills to offer at a price? This would also be where having an earlier work day would come in handy where I could ask around to local businesses to see if they would be willing to donate anything. Kathy and I have talked about it because she's got a lot of great ideas, but nothing seems to be coming much together for me on this particular topic.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day, hopefully I'll feel more like running and maybe a little more encouraged about this in general. It is a great opportunity and a worthy cause, I just have to keep that in mind, I guess.

8 miler

2007-08-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

I've heard people on our Team talking for at least a week about how nervous they were about the 8 mile run on Sunday. I was actually one of them, I guess. I hadn't run that far in quite awhile, and we just backtracked to 5 miles last week, that's a big jump!

So we started off down the Parkway, I really like it there. It was Kathy and Kelly and me, bringing up the rear, but we didn't really care that much. The water stop was around 3 miles, so it was a nice break to stretch and try out my Clif Bloks (not bad tasting, a little hard to get them all down at once, but I guess I really didn't have to do that) and then keep going. We caught sight of Lake Harriet and then turned right back around.

I always think it's awkward to just stop. and then turn around. and then start running again, I don't know if there's a smooth way to do that.

Anyway, right about then the 3 of us were commenting on how this wasn't so bad, how anything 3 miles or below is really becoming a drag. I actually think I'm beginning to hate 3 mile runs. 2 miles isn't bad, still quick and relatively painless. 1 mile, well, that's a piece of cake, but kind of over too soon. 4 miles and above, you get into a rhythm, you work out the stiffness, you start feeling the endorphines. 3 miles just sucks.

By about the last 1/3 to 1/2 mile my Clif Bloks had run out and I was getting pretty tired. But we finished, and Kelly kept up with us without using any sort of energy supplement - go Kelly!!
KG, correct me if I'm wrong, we were about 1hr 29minutes? That was quicker than my pace for the 10mi last year, so I'm pretty pumped about that. My hips were pretty tired, had to stretch them out quite a bit, but it was a good run. Hopefully I'll keep saying that as they keep getting longer

And then I went home and played with my nephews and my niece at the playground later that afternoon. I have no idea where the energy came from at all.

learning to breathe

2007-08-24T13:09:00.001-05:00

no, I didn't listen to Switchfoot while running last night, but that's what was going thru my head. I popped in some hot dance music, good ol' Fatboy Slim, and went a runnin'. Granted, it was a little more humid than I thought, and right as I was starting out was when it decided to be not cloudy anymore and I had to run the first half with the sun in my eyes and no sunglasses. Overall, it wasn't really that fun.

I haven't decided if I just don't like running alone, if shorter distances are less enjoyable now because I can't find a rhythm, or if I just need to figure out breathing for a quicker pace. I've got it down to my normal pace, I breathe, it's easy, no problems. But put a little faster beat in my ears, speed up my legs, and all of a sudden I can't catch my breath. That's a little frustrating! And my shins were hurting again. =(

Put it all together, it was a less than fabulous run. I think I'm going to try Kathy's idea of the ibuprofen regimen for the next few days to see if my shins will just stop hurting, that would be nice.

hills are good for the soul

2007-08-23T16:32:00.001-05:00

whew! Last night was kind of rough. Kathy and I decided to be brave (read: Kathy decided to be brave and I thought it wasn't a half bad idea) and run hills last night. I've run hills before. For the Twin Cities 10 mi, Erica and I made a point of running a particularly nasty hill many times because it would be right at the beginning of the race for us, and the more practice the better. That began my inherent dislike of hills. It was never easy, never fun, never seemed to get any better. On race day last year, that was my one big slow down point, and it took a lot out of me for awhile in the miles that followed. I could do without hills!

But I'm pretty sure that Honolulu is not flat, and I know it's good for strength or whatever, so it'll have to be done sooner or later. Might as well start sooner, right?

With a one mile warmup, we started downhill. Definitely easy. Then Coach Dave gave us some tips on running hills (which were effective in showing me that I've done it wrong every other time I've ran) and we were off. We started with "Bounders, " which is pretty much what it sounds like, we bounded up 1/2 the hill. It was fun to start out, kind of felt like I was in a video game to jump that high and get propelled, but my poor legs got tired quickly. That is to be done every odd hill (the schedule said 7 hills for the intermediate folks). By the top of the first hill, I had already been reminded to keep my head up and my arms straight....but there were high fives waiting and smiles all around.

The jog to the bottom didn't quite help me catch my breath all the way, but at least we didn't have to bound again. By the top of the 2nd hill, I needed a quick water break. That was better, but then more Bounders!! My 3rd time up, I felt so spent! Kathy went ahead and I started stretching to cool down. After a few minutes tho, I did feel better and ended up meeting Kathy a little less than 1/2 way down and finished out 1 more hill, so I guess I technically did about 4 1/2 hills. But running up the 5th time, I think I figured out the form of it, I could keep my body still and hold my head straight and keep my breathing even, and I actually didn't want to die when I got to the top! So I sorta want to do it again (I know I'll get a chance before too long).

Kathy and I rode back to her place exultant in our performance, feeling on top of the world for being able to conquer such an intimidating thing. I've decided that I should maybe always have a marathon that I'm training for, I'm to the point where I look forward to every run.

best run ever!

2007-08-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

So I didn't have the greatest 16 mile run like Christine, but on Sunday morning I thouroughly appreciated the rain while running 5 miles around Calhoun and a little bit of Harriet. Kathy and I both mentioned around mile 2 1/2 I think that we were both wanting to stop running, but oh well...we kept going and I was actually surprised when we were at the end of Calhoun, ready to cross back over to Harriet.

Toward the last mile or so, I wanted to keep speeding up, but I didn't because I didn't want to poop out or anything. but the last 1/2 mile I definitely stepped it up, just because I was feeling pretty good at that point. Quite soggy, but my shins didn't hurt (yay new shoes!) and I was breathing well; overall much, much better than Thursday's run.

We raced back to the pavilion (Kathy always beats me with her blinding speed) but then she looked at her watch and had some amazing news: we ran 5 miles in 53 minutes!!

1hr to me is a successful 5mi run, but wow! 53 minutes is like 10.5minutes/mi! Insane!!

So while I still have to psych myself up to try the 1mile timed run, at least I have a little bit of encouragement that this training thing is doing some good. I can now look forward to the longer runs, thinking they might not take quite as long as I was thinking...

35 minutes

2007-08-17T13:02:00.000-05:00

yesterday was a 3mi run. I was inspired by Kathy's telling of her amazing 1mi test run time on Wednesday, and thought that I would try to kick it up a bit this time around. Guessing time and pacing in general is kind of hard for me, and I'm not always the best at keeping up a good pace on my own, but I thought I'd try anyway.

The weather was beautiful; not too hot, not humid. It was a little windy going out, which made things even harder to figure out how hard I was running. It should have been a breeze, but it really wasn't. I started having trouble breathing round about mile 2, which I wasn't expecting. I've had asthma since I was a kid, but over the last couple years the only time it gets really bad is in the winter time or when I'm around cats or dogs. I don't think it was asthma, tho; I was breathing clearly, I just couldn't take in full breaths or something, which is quite frustrating. And of course my shins started hurting too.

So right about then I decided to walk just a little bit. I thought to myself that if I could walk for short bursts and then run at my quicker than normal pace for longer stretches, then my time probably wouldn't be so bad. I don't wear a watch (I probably should start, at least for running) so I couldn't time my running or walking periods, I just used landmarks instead. It figured out to walking for a block and then running for 2.

By the time I got back home my shins were positively aching, and I think I was probably at my normal pace (about 11:30min/mi at this point, I think). So I wasn't expecting much for my time, I would have been pretty happy with 37-38minutes. I walked right in my house and checked the time: 35 minutes! That was a pleasant surprise, it was the same as my time for my other 3mi run this week at my normal pace, not too shabby.

I definitely took some quality time icing my shins last night. (thanks for the tip, Emilia! I miss you!) And I am actually leaving work right now to go buy new shoes. Hopefully that means I actually can be successful at my attempts to work on my running speed. Pretty exciting stuff!

don't you wish you had shin splints?

2007-08-15T16:24:00.001-05:00

yesterday and today I've had to run before work, which isn't too bad, it's been 2 mi and 3 mi respectively. The one thing I have noticed though, is how my shins are now in a near constant state of agony. Yesterday they started out in pain, but it subsided as I went along, by about 1/2 way through I was fine. Today, they were really tight and didn't loosen up at all, though somehow I still managed to run 3 miles in about 35 minutes, which is a good time for me. I tried stretching them out once I got home, and it just hurt too much (and I really didn't have too much time with needing to get ready for work and all). =(

So they're currently tender to the touch, and nothing I've been doing over the last couple weeks has been getting rid of the pain for very long. I think it's time for new shoes, a little early in fact. They're not quite a year old, but I don't know that I can get through another month and a half of this as the runs get longer and longer. Last year when I was training for the Twin Cities 10mi, anything over 6 miles or so felt like my hip joints were just going to pop out and my legs would fall off. I know that was because of my shoes and it directly affected how I trained and ran in the race itself. Since I'm more than doubling my distance this time around (and I'll have a 10mi run in the next 3-4weeks) I should maybe get this taken care of now.

in training

2007-08-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed the new additions to my sidebar?

I'm training for a marathon!

Anyone who also reads KG's blog or has talked to me within the last 3 weeks or so already knows, but here's the big official announcement - YAY!

I've never run anything more than 10 miles in my life, and that was more like walking with some running breaks after awhile...I'd been telling myself since last fall that I would maybe work my way into a 1/2 marathon and then maybe one day, MAYBE, I would consider running a marathon. There were plenty of times when I laughed at the thought of 5+ hours of running. Why would that be fun??

But here's the thing:

- I could use the motivation to get into shape. Nothing much else seems to be working lately, so this might just do it.

- I'm supporting Kathy, and she's supporting me. I know she can do it (she's done it before, and all alone, to boot!) and she seems perfectly convinced that I can do it too.

- It's for such a great cause! Honestly, my heart wasn't too involved at first, I don't know anyone who's been affected by blood cancers. My grandma died of lung cancer, but I was 8, it didn't make the biggest impact. But even in the last 3 weeks, I've heard stories of family members lost and little boys and girls bravely fighting for their lives. They deserve a chance to fight, and their families deserve all the help they can possibly find while they're fighting. If I can do something small like this to show them some support and help find them a little hope, it makes everything all the more worthwhile.

- I've never committed to any one event this big in my life that will cost me so much. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to give more of myself to God. To trust him to help me with planning a schedule and balance home, work, raising funds, and training, and life in general. I know for a fact that I don't have the personal motivation or the organizational ability to pull this off, but my God is so much bigger than me, I have to let him help and guide me.

So what I'm planning is to turn this temporarily into my training blog - crazy stories, a running tally of blisters, anything that God is teaching me through this process. You name it, it may just show up here. Please feel free to check frequently on my little sidebar links; see how much money I've raised, where I've been running (make sure I have been running!), or learn more about LLS and their programs.

If you feel so inclined, please donate! I'll take contributions of any amount to get me to the race. Did I mention it's in Hawaii? Yeah, that's another motivating factor I guess...=)

And please add your comments to my upcoming posts. Encouragement from anywhere and everywhere is most definitely welcome.

Here goes nothing!

stalked by a goose

2007-08-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, as always, I met up with Christine for a rousing game of Skip-Bo, as always. (Congrats on pulling ahead, now it's on...) There's this nice little pond outside that we like to go to. Usually the wind is our only trouble, but apparently now we need to worry about the wildfowl.

There were two geese that were hanging out near our table. One was eating, the other was staring. At me. Intently. Without moving.

He was kinda close, and making me nervous. I literally turned to face him while playing so that I would at least be able to watch him out of the corner of my eye.

Then he started moving closer! No matter how many times I tried to shoo him away or make mean faces or noises, he kept coming! Christine started liking him (probably because he was distracting me from the game) She thought he was kind of cute, with his beady little eyes and his drooling beak.

He ended up moving around to the back of the seat I was in, I really didn't like the idea that he was right behind me, still staring.

I don't know if this shows the true closeness of the goose to me, I literally was inches away. Not that he was doing anything, just drooling and staring, but it was still really creepy.

The whole drama lasted probably 20-25 minutes, and was deeply unsettling. He ended up walking toward Christine and behind her, and then off to do something else, but he was just a creepy little bird! It's not that it could have done much more than bite, and it's not like that would hurt very much (well, it might have, he had something like teeth on the inside of his beak,) but maybe it was just the thought of an animal sizing me up, staring me down, calculating something that I couldn't decipher that was the part I was most uncomfortable about.

pictures of the I-35 bridge

2007-08-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

I got an email forwarded from my mom today with some pics from a guy who was right there when the rescue efforts were going on on Wed.

http://www.conphoto.net/collapse.html

praise report!

2007-07-30T12:59:00.000-05:00

I got an email from my mom this morning saying that my uncle had prayed with her this weekend to receive Christ!

SO COOL!!

She's been sharing the Gospel with him longer than I could probably remember, but apparently it's just taken that amount of time, and a few unexpected turns in life, to get him to a point where his heart was soft. He even asked her why she'd stopped sharing with him in recent years!! She told him that she had said everything she could, and that the choice was up to him how to respond to it. On Sunday morning he made a very good decision and chose to put his life in God's hands.

I immediately thought of my older brother, who has run hot and cold in his reactions to my questions about his interest in God over the last few years, and who at this point probably wouldn't set foot inside the Rock if his life depended on it. No matter how he responds to me, I know I can't give up hope that one day his heart will change. Hopefully it won't take him until he's 60, like my uncle.

what am i doing?!!?

2007-07-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

I did it. I wrote a check for $75 and signed up to run a marathon.

what??

Even before I signed up I realized that I will be running probably hundreds of miles in the next few months, some of them really long distances in one shot. And yet I still decided to do it.
Kathy seems to think I can. Seth seems to think I can. I seem to think they're right. I guess we'll all find out on December 9.

Earlier this week I was trying to decide what my motivation would be. Raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society is very important, and I think by the end of it all I will really gain an appreciation and greater compassion for all the people who suffer from all the different types of blood cancer. Kathy originally talked me into the idea with the promise that running this much burns a crapload of calories, and you're guaranteed to lose weight. I still don't know that either of those will be enough. That's mostly because I know that I'm inherently unmotivated and no matter how good something might be for me and how exciting, I'm kind of lazy at the end of the day and prefer leisure to hard work (it fits right in to my profile, right?).

I ended up deciding that if I really go through with it and do all the training work and do a good job running the marathon, the only reason that it will possibly be is God. All the Bible verses that I've been trying to memorize or meditate on have been about Him working through me. If I really believe them, this is a piece of cake. My friends and family can encourage me to no end, but if I don't make the final decision to put the effort in, then I'll fail. I don't trust myself to make that decision, but I know that I can with God's help.

I guess to me this all sounds sort of cheesy, but I think this is going to be something of a defining effort and it could be something that will force me to trust God with parts of my life that I haven't let Him have full control of yet. I'm super scared, but kinda pumped about it too, I guess.

i work with my friends!

2007-07-24T12:31:00.000-05:00

No, I still don't really know people here, but that's ok. They're all still friendly, and I've had a couple minor chats in-passing. I have hope.

I have been able to amuse myself, however, with the fact that there are at least a couple people in the office that look or sound like friends or people that I know. It makes things a little more familiar. The other new kid (he's been here close to a couple months, I think) His name is Michael, he looks a little like Mikey Caron (this is actually his wife Becky's site - dunno if he still has a blog) except his hair isn't that red. And he sounds a LOT like Lee Ferron. Voice intonations and everything, it's quite amusing. Then there's Tom who sits across the cubes from me. He doesn't look like anyone I know, but I wasn't paying attention the other day and I heard him on the phone and swore that Jon Carlson had started working in my office...

There's one of the admins that looks like someone I know but I have yet to place a name with the face, and another girl who looks a bit like my former roommate Kimmie, except with longer hair and a little bit taller.

So until I actually get to know people and make new friends, I guess it will have to do that I can associate some of my new coworkers with people I already know and pretend like things are a little more fun than they actually are (I never realized how enjoyable it is to break up a monotonous day by means of a pointless discussion with a coworker)...

who wants to go to a concert??!?

2007-07-20T08:11:00.000-05:00

Ryan Adams and the Cardinals

September 27 at 8:00 P.M.
State Theatre
Ryan Adams, one of the most inventive and eclectic singer-songwriters in rock today, has just announced a Twin Cities stop on his 2007 tour. Touring in support of his highly anticipated new release "Easy Tiger" Ryan Adams returns to the Twin Cities!

Tickets go on sale tomorrow, I don't know how much they are or if they will sell out quickly. You must enjoy country/alt-country music (Kimmie??). I would bother my dear, sweet husband about it, but he just wouldn't enjoy himself...

Anyone interested?

ISFJ

2007-07-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

I haven't taken this test in a long time, and I'm pretty sure the last time I took it I wasn't an ISFJ (but I can't remember what I was) I relate to a lot of the "Protector Guardian" definition that was linked to my results....pretty much until the "puritan work ethic" part- I get distracted so easily, and sure, play should be earned, but it's not like I'll let that stop me from indulging, even if I haven't done anything to deserve it.

The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others,
but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of
life's concern, as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is,
seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors
in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because
they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they
can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or
their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can
deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go
about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their
efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and
talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these
they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like
all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday
concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness,
even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic,
giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of
coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the
Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells
them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The
least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours
doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore.
Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake
a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the
value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these
resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may
experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to
do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual
talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to
do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians,
middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners.
To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family
doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed
practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a
good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an
unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to
Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands,
sheltered and protected.

According to the list, other ISFJs include Queen Elizabeth II, Robert E. Lee, and Jerry Seinfeld.

a glass can only spill what it contains

2007-07-17T13:11:00.000-05:00

a cat came drifting onto my porch from the outside cold
and with eyes closed drinking warm milk from my bowl,
thought:

"nobody hears me!
I crept in so soft!
and nobody sees me!"

as I watched six steps off

like the peacocks wandering the walkways of the zoo
who have twince the autonomy the giraffes and the tigers do,
saying:

"no one can stop me,
no one clips my claws!
now everyone watch me
scale these outside walls!"

oh you pious and profane
put away the praise and blame
a glass can only spill what it contains
to the perpetually plain and the incurably inane
a glass can only spill what it contains

what new mystery is this?
what blessed backwardness??
the Immeasurable One is held and does not resist!
struck by wicked words and foolish fists of senseless men
the Almighty One does not defend!

I was halfway listening to what she thinks she knows
we're like children dressing in our parents' clothes, saying:

"Nobody knows me,
no one knows my name,
no, nobody knows me..."

I halfheartedly explained
but gave up peacefully ashamed
as a glass can only spill what it contains
we went to Portugal and Spain
and in her mind the entire time it rained!
a glass can only spill what it contains

what new mystery is this? in overflowing emptiness
the Invisible is seen among the shadows and the mist,
before my doubting eyes the Infinite appears in time -
the Unquestionable is questioned but makes no reply!

what new mystery is this?!
"my Rabbi!"
my lips betray with a kiss

what new mystery is this?

by mewithout You
off Brother, Sister

ugh.

2007-07-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

So I've started at least 3 posts, just to not have enough time to finish them, and then by the time I get around to it, it's just old news and too much work to totally revise it.

For everyone curious about my new job, it's pretty great. I think I killed an entire forest by misprinting 50 or more letters at once, which I had done about 2 or 3 times (the first time it wasn't my fault, but everything after that was all mine). Other than that, I think I'm getting it so far, some stuff definitely takes a little bit longer. What do I love most? The fact that I can have Caribou coffee every single morning for free? Or that outside of my trainer checking my work no one looks over my shoulder. There have been a few times when I'd get nervous thinking that I should be telling someone when I'm going to lunch or taking a quick break, but then I'd realize that no one really cares. I could get used to this!

So that's good. The rest of me is working back into routines. For whatever reason I had decided to become the world's laziest in everything. I hadn't really been working out, reading my Bible, doing much in general that was productive outside of throwing together dinner and doing the laundry when I couldn't put it off any longer. As a result I'd spend hours daily playing the Gameboy (this is why I CANNOT own a Wii, no matter how much I would love to) and just wasting time in general. But I've finally gotten to the point (I think) where I'm able to pick up and start making good habits again.

As a result of these last few weeks, I have begun contemplating life and sin...I had to realize that these things weren't just me getting "into a funk", but that in general, my life is full of disobedience and pride...I had been purposefully not reading my Bible, not spending time with God, not working out, ignoring just about every inclination (prompting by the Holy Spirit) to do any of it. I've generally not being disciplined to do what I know I should, when I have the opportunity. Which, of course, leads me to feel like crap.

At the same time I'm the one who put myself here, so can I really feel that bad for me? And I'm having a hard time thinking that God is anything but disappointed in me lately...So yeah. I was thinking about people that I've stopped actively trying to help out because even though I love them and they're quite open about their shortcomings, they really don't do much to overcome them. It has come to my attention that lately, I've been one of those people...

I don't really have any answers for this - how to keep motivated, how to get back to where I have been, why those areas of my life have not been entirely submitted to God after following him my entire life...I think I never really realized that that's the deal, this is why I keep going up and down with it all. Definitely no good.

Before I started slacking, I was trying to memorize Phillipians 2:13 - "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him". I think I'll start there again. My constant struggle is this: how much of this is supposed to be my own effort, and how much is God's grace and power working thru me? I know I can't do this on my own, but I can't just expect the Holy Spirit to take me over and be good...

Anyway, this started at lunch, is done at approximately 4:45 with my brain feeling especially heavy and mushy from a particularly difficult Monday of learning a dastardly long and difficult new process. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense toward the end...

weekend epiphany

2007-07-02T12:56:00.001-05:00

You know what I just discovered yesterday? Endurance training actually works! The last few weeks I haven't been running a ton, just a couple mile here and there, but I have been doing some endurance training, mostly because it takes about 5-10 minutes from start to finish, and I feel special after being able to hold a 8.5mph pace for a whole minute. Exhausted, but special. And it's only once a week, so it's easy to take.

The idea is to run as fast as you can for a minute straight, then stop or walk slowly (1mph on the treadmill works nicely) for a minute, and then run again as fast as you can for a minute, etc. etc. I'm up to repeating this 3 times total. It's pretty hard, but yesterday when I was playing Ultimate for the first time in 2-3wks, I totally noticed the difference. I could sprint and it wasn't as taxing as it normally is, and I could actually go a full game without wanting to collapse!

Now, this isn't really a witty anecdote or a deep spiritual thought, but I still thought it was cool. I tend to have a hard time keeping up with things if I don't see results pretty immediately, so I like that it's only been 4-5 weeks and I can tell a noticeable difference. Doing this training is supposed to help with lung capacity and speed, and those are definitely two things that I need a lot of help with. I feel quite encouraged that I've actually found something that I can do to get better in those areas.

"R" day

2007-06-25T06:49:00.000-05:00

This is it!

About 4 weeks ago, the process started. I had a phone interview, and then scheduled an office interview in the same week for a new position, new company. Then about 3 weeks ago, I got a call saying they were going to start checking my references. 2 weeks ago I checked with my references and they started getting phone calls. Just after that I got a phone call that the references checked out really well and they wanted me in the office again to meet someone new. That was a week ago tomorrow. They told me at that point they expected to have everything set by early this week and be able to give me a call.

On Thursday afternoon last week, I got a phone call. I called back after work and was offered the job position. I asked to have a couple of days to think about it, talk to my husband, etc and call them back on Monday.

Today is Monday.

Today is the day where for the first time in 7 years, I'm going to accept a new job offer, and hand in my resignation; it is R-day.

I'm a little nervous, not scared, tho. I'll give 2 weeks notice, because that's nice, and then I'll start learning something really entirely different. I'm mostly excited. I have been feeling quite done where I am for a number of reasons and it's good to feel like I'm moving on. I will have to purchase probably at least a new outfit or two, I haven't worn business casual to work in over a year now. I also did find out that between Memorial Day and Labor day my Fridays will end at 1pm, which is pretty cool. Other than that, I'm excited to be doing something new. I've had the same job since graduating college, and that was kind of a long time ago.

Oh, and they need people who speak spanish, sounds like I'll get quite a bit of practice, so that's SUPER bonus for me, tho I'll have to learn all new vocabulary. Who doesn't love that?

at this rate

2007-06-07T15:54:00.000-05:00

I'll get to 300 posts sometime in 2010...this one makes 275

there are a few things I've been thinking about lately, things I'd like to post...and maybe I'll just start with mewithoutYou.

It's no secret that I occasionally get stuck on one musical act, wear the heck out of said musical act, and then move on to the next greatest thing. Well, not necessarily, I have still been listening to healthy doses of both Mae and Ryan Adams lately (Mae has a new album out in August - did you know, Chrissy?). But I have recently discovered a deep and abiding affection for yet another band.

Granted, I've heard their music over the last couple years on samplers from their record label and have enjoyed them, and then when Seth and I went to Cornerstone a couple years back we saw the start of their live show, which was more than a little bit... umm... unconventional? and so we didn't stick around too long. Guys prancing (seriously) around stage to songs we didn't know wasn't all that enticing, tho quite visually artistic.

So I burned their CD from a friend and listened. And liked it. But then left it alone because there were other things going on musically. But I found I really missed this one band. The music grabbed me first, but after awhile it's the lyrics that really have stuck out. I'll admit that I don't really understand all of them, but every once in awhile there's a phrase or a chorus that's just bursting with insight or meaning. There's a humility that doesn't occur in most songwriting, even from Christian groups (the truth belongs to God/the mistakes were mine). They fully embrace all sorts of different emotions, the fact that humans are sinful and that our only hope rests in knowing God (You wanna be set free?/you wanna set me free?/that can only come from the union with the One who never dies). My current favorite bit of lyrics is "if ever you come near/I'll hold up high a mirror/Lord, I can never show you anything as beautiful as you".

I would definitely say they're not for everyone. They do tend to have short verses, and lots of music, which is kinda cool to me, they do get kind of loud musically, and the lead singer tends to speak almost as often as he sings, tho on their new album he does sing more often. I had read an article that compared their lyrics more to sung poetry, which I will agree with, so it might help to like poetry in order to like these guys very much.

One thing that I do think is very cool is that on their purevolume page, they openly advertise that before their concerts, they invite everyone to come beforehand and have a potluck dinner. They also invite people to host seminars, or bring instruments and sing songs before the show! They will try to come out themselves in between doing soundchecks, etc. And they even give their fans an opportunity to play onstage with them during shows (providing they practice and can sing along in tune).

So this is how I'm spending my time on my last day of work....things are a little slow, I guess. At least there'll be Skip-Bo at lunch!!

free at last!

2007-05-30T15:46:00.000-05:00

the first major bonus of being sold to a new company:

we're now off the old servers with the major internet blocker. I can now listen to internet radio, watch Rock TVs, and of course fully enjoy Jon Carlson's blog from work again.

should it be this awesome? I'm not really sure, but it kinda is...

garbage!

2007-05-15T16:08:00.000-05:00

I've been "about" to post several times, but haven't followed through. Much of my days lately have been filled with frustrations at work, several parts of it, and my inclination has been to complain. For sympathy, for catharsis, whatever, I've wanted to be crabby and let everyone know about it. I know that's utterly wrong of course, which has kept me from posting my complaints more publicly.

That isn't, of course, to say that I haven't voiced such things privately. There are a few people who know in great detail what my issues are. I can even say that one of them is God. We've had lots of talks, and I think it's been helpful. Right when things started getting really bad a few weeks back (when I started actually and truly taking steps to look for something new) my God time took quite a dive. I wasn't reading my Bible or spending time with Him regularly, and what time I was spending has not felt very productive or inspirational. There really hasn't been a specific moment of clarity or epiphany, but things are slowly getting better. I've picked up a couple devotionals and have been trying to just be faithful in those little things. Oswald kicks my butt regularly, so that's good too. Just the yesterday it was:

The only thing that will enable me to enjoy the disagreeable is the keen enthusiasm of letting the life of the Son of God manifest itself in me. No matter how disagreeable a thing may be, say - "Lord, I am delighted to obey Thee in this matter," and instantly the Son of God will press to the front, and there will be manifested in my human life that which glorifies Jesus.

Yeah. Try saying that when you want to pull your hair out multiple times in 8 hours. But it actually worked a little today, when I remembered it. I had more peace and hopefully a better attitude and perspective than I've had in days. I'm so thankful that God doesn't abandon us to our doubts and despair but helps us to get through new and painful situations. Doesn't mean I'm not still looking for a new job tho, so if anyone has ideas....

mark your calendars!

2007-05-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

I have been waiting since last fall for this little tidbit of news...So You Think You Can Dance is finally heading back to the airwaves! This my one honest to goodness weakness in the realm of reality shows, the only show last year that I absolutely did not miss a single episode.

I'm so excited I might just set my VCR tonight to make sure I record it...even if it's not on until May 24th...

finally

2007-04-25T15:46:00.000-05:00

I noticed awhile ago, I think while in Perú, that Adam had FINALLY linked to me from his blog.

After years of ignoring me and my absolutely well founded arguments as to why I should be there (I was his small group leader TWICE, after all), it was there, without fanfare, without announcement.

I just wanted to mention that I noticed, and say thanks, Adam, I feel like I've attained some sort of status now...

I'm actually not quite sure what type of status, but it's there, I can tell...

it's better this way

2007-04-24T15:38:00.004-05:00

I was informed today of something someone had said that offended me and made me upset. I think I was (and still am) justified at my upsetness and offense. I really would like to talk about this person and gripe about this person and the comments made.

I cannot do that at this time, unfortunately. My friend who I would normally email back and forth about these types of things was too busy earlier on, and I currently have had enough time to think it over and realize it would be a bad idea, and close to, if not exactly like gossiping.

Here is the reason I bring it up. Does anyone have any verses to think about or meditate on when situations like this come up? I probably shouldn't go around thinking mean things about people, and it's someone I interact with pretty much daily, so it might come out somehow if it's not dealt with. The comment was not directed at me, but at a group of people of which I am a part. I am taking it personally, and actually hoping to use it to motivate me to make some changes. So ideally something good will come of it, but it still stings a bit that it was said in the first place.

Anyway, suggestions are welcome, I appreciate it.

starting to process

2007-04-19T13:37:00.000-05:00

After posting yesterday I drove home and insisted to God that I needed to figure some of these things out. Why do I feel this way? Why do I only get angry thinking of what happened, and the majority of the responses I've been hearing? And I might have an idea.

Obviously listening to MPR gives me lots of information during the day. They have had people on since Monday talking about what happened at Virginia Tech. They've had senators and congressmen, college students commenting, lots of things I haven't really paid much attention to. They've discussed why tighter gun control is needed, there have been suggestions of some sort of mental health screening as part of applying to colleges. They've asked the question of if people can be forced into treatment or some action can be taken if no crime has been committed. They've talked about how to make students safer on campus.

All the suggestions they offer just sound ridiculous. It doesn't matter how tight you make gun control if someone is bent on getting a gun. They're going to be able to, it just might take them a little longer. I don't know if it would ever get to the point that a college would actually require a mental health screening as part of the admission process, but I'm wondering how many people would choose not to apply to that school. If we're starting to treat elementary school kids for depression, how do you think that would affect their ability to get into college later on? Not all people who struggle with depression or even more serious forms of mental illness are dangerous. You can't exactly treat them all the same way for the minute possibility that you could find the one in a hundred thousand who could possibly turn out to be a homicidal psychopath. And the idea of forcing treatment on someone who shows signs of being a danger to themselves or others would seem to be a wonderful plan, but I know firsthand that people who don't want to be helped won't be helped, no matter what.

No one on the news or the radio seems to be addressing the real problem. You know, the one where people are sick inside. They're evil. It doesn't matter how many scenarios you can plan for and make sure you are secure against, given enough time someone will think up something you haven't planned for, and you're right back where you started. There's no limit to how depraved humans can be, but no one really wants to talk about it. Then we'd have to admit that we're all guilty, that we all have the same potential. Then there's really no way out, except for Jesus, and we all know that's not something that will be broadcast nationwide on the 6 o'clock news or on CNN.

I appreciated reading Jamie's blog today, and Adam's, and Christine's from earlier this week. I know eventually it all leads back to God, it all leads back to him moving to make something good come from something so ugly and gross. But I appreciate just being able to sit and think about it, not plan to avoid it next time, not turn it into an anecdote that will support someone's political platform, but to just let it sink in, and roll around in my head for a little while.

It frustrates me that on a large scale that this will just be treated like a problem meant to be solved. If we work hard enough it doesn't ever have to happen again, and we can make it happen and claim all the credit. I don't know even know if these people with their solutions even think that they'll work, or if they're just throwing out ideas and words to make themselves feel or look better. I am glad tho, that I know the truth, that I can look for God to move and see him there, that I can let him continue to change my life, and hopefully share that with the people around me.

I can't process this

2007-04-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

I've gotten into the habit of listening to MPR at work. Most days it's fairly interesting, and if nothing else it's even toned talking with no commercials that's easy to tune out when needed. This week they have spent a lot of time talking about what happened Monday at Virginia Tech. Between that, and multiple e-mails related to sister churches and old friends, the news reports and blog postings, it just is all too much.

I know that during my lifetime I've seen a lot of awful, terrible things befall innocent people. I remember watching the Challenger explode in elementary school. There was also the Oklahoma City Bombing, the Columbine High School shooting, and of course 9/11, to hit the "high notes". Outside of 9/11 and being frozen numb in front of the tv for 2 whole days in absolute shock, this has been the hardest thing for me to comprehend. It's not like I knew anyone at the school, it's not like I just graduated myself and can imagine vividly what it might be like. It's definitely not like death is something that I fear or can't bear to think about, but it was just such a grotesquely disgusting act, how could someone actually conceive of it?

Words have failed me trying to explain what I'm thinking or feeling about all this. I don't want to think about it, it's like my mind locks up and I can't get it moving. We were praying last night at our leader's meeting and I could barely spit out 3 sentences to ask for God to move there. It just doesn't seem real, like it can't possibly be true. But how could I be in denial over something I'm not personally connected to? That's the part that I'm not getting.

I don't know. I'm not sure this makes any sense at all, sorry it's kind of scattered.

didn't I just say that?

2007-04-17T12:55:00.000-05:00

So I was talking with a friend yesterday, and we were sharing about struggles that wives have and I was encouraging her with my own experiences how it's really hard to give up your rights to serve your husband, but it's such a good thing. And then last night I go home and things happen that aren't quite how I would like them, and even tho I can hear the Holy Spirit in my head telling me to let it go and just serve, I decided that trying my own way would be a worthwhile pursuit.

And how did that work out for you? You may be wondering...

About how I expected it to, and I felt like crap the rest of the evening.

I'm kind of retarded sometimes.

sterling advice

2007-04-13T06:48:00.000-05:00

I saw something on tv yesterday which gave me ultimate confidence that I can indeed raise children when the time comes. Obviously, when my kids get rambunctious and out of control, I need to put them in my vehicle with the flip down DVD player and go somewhere because, as they put it, "when the kids get what they want, you'll get what you want."

Why didn't I think of that before? I was under the impression that I would have to discipline my children to teach them to behave correctly and obey their parents, I didn't know I could just lull them into a stupor and have them comply with anything and everything.

I thought that raising kids would be so hard! When I get pregnant, I'm going to register for nothing but diapers and DVD players, and I think I'll be set.

Good Friday musings...

2007-04-06T07:03:00.000-05:00

I just thought this was relevant today, for some reason. It's too bad you can't put "on purpose" into a graphic for the easter bulletin...

From My Utmost:

THE COLLISION OF GOD AND SIN

"Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree." 1 Peter 2:24

The Cross of Jesus is the revelation of God's judgment on sin. Never tolerate the idea of martyrdom about the Cross of Jesus Christ. The Cross was a superb triumph in which the foundations of hell were shaken. There is nothing more certain in Time or Eternity than what Jesus Christ did on the Cross: He switched the whole of the human race back into a right relationship with God. He made Redemption the basis of human life, that is, He made a way for every son of man to get into communion with God.

The Cross did not happen to Jesus: He came on purpose for it. He is "the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world." The whole meaning of the Incarnation is the Cross. Beware of separating God manifest in the flesh from the Son becoming sin. The Incarnation was for the purpose of Redemption. God became incarnate for the purpose of putting away sin; not for the purpose of Self-realization. The Cross is the centre of Time and of Eternity, the answer to the enigmas of both.

The Cross is not the cross of a man but the Cross of God, and the Cross of God can never be realized in human experience. The Cross is the exhibition of the nature of God, the gateway whereby any individual of the human race can enter into union with God. When we get to the Cross, we do not go through it; we abide in the life to which the Cross is the gateway.

The centre of salvation is the Cross of Jesus, and the reason it is so easy to obtain salvation is because it cost God so much. The Cross is the point where God and sinful man merge with a crash and the way to life is opened - but the crash is on the heart of God.

lent, lent, go away!

2007-04-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

I decided for the first time this year that I would like to observe Lent. I had been observing my tendencies to indulge in sweets and it seemed like a good time to start fasting the stuff. So I did, and besides the one time at Jodi's where I popped like 3 gummy bears into my mouth before I realized what I was doing, I've been good. There were also some dessert-type dishes in Perú in which I had partaken, but that was mostly just to be respectful and finish off what was given to me.

Overall, it hasn't been that difficult to walk past open bags of M&Ms or licorice that gets brought into the office, I've even stayed away from sweets at small group! Now that it's getting to the end tho, it's been a lot harder. We've had cake in the office for birthdays, and it looks really good and everyone keeps getting multiple pieces and saying that it's delicious...or last night after Seth and I were done dining in Macchu Picchu for our anniversary, he offered to get me ice cream because he knows it's my favorite.

I couldn't imagine doing an actual food fast for 40 days like Jesus did. Especially if I was out in the wilderness by myself with the power to turn stones into bread. There have been ways to distract myself from wanting something sweet. Gum has helped, and pop too, but it's usually something food related. It's just really made me realize how much I had allowed my feelings to dictate my behavior. I would pick up candy or sugar just because it was there. I hate feeling like I'm not going to get any of something if it's made available, even if I really don't like it all that much. So I have some, and then I immediately regret it. But for the last 35 days or so, I've had to think about it, and I've been able to say no every time, and it didn't take much effort. So now I'm glad that Easter is coming, but hopefully I'll also be able to make sure that I don't just automatically fall back into where I was before.

Anniversary!

2007-04-04T12:00:00.000-05:00

As of today, my husband and I have been married 3 years. To say it doesn't seem like it's a big amount, not like 30 or 50, or even 10. But we've been through sufficient goods and bads, relative to our time together, and I still think it feels like we've been together forever.

He's pretty great, and I wouldn't trade him, and I think that our anniversary might soon be one of my favorite holidays alongside my birthday, because it's fun to think about being married to my husband.

short day!

2007-04-03T17:15:00.000-05:00

some free advice:

If your supervisor ever offers you the chance to work a 5 hour day and pay you for a full 8 hours, just to to get someone to work the late shift until 5pm - TAKE IT!

Such a sweet deal! Especially when it allows you the opportunity to grab coffee and talk with an old roomate and her super cute, cherubic daughter first thing in the morning. What a great way to start the day...

pictures are up!

2007-04-02T12:36:00.000-05:00

http://picasaweb.google.com/greeniebug/Peru
for some reason there was one photo that I couldn't upload, so I'll post it here, but you'll have to tell me if it works because I can't see my own pictures from my own camera from my own trip as soon as I put it on the internet. This is getting ridiculous.

taking it personally

2007-03-28T15:54:00.000-05:00

While in peru, I found myself feeling very much like God was dealing with me personally. There's history between Peru and me, and there are things that I felt God was showing and speaking to me with regards to that. I can't say I understand it all or know the end result of anything just yet, but I came away with a really big sense that it was quite an important event.

Part of what I felt God was showing me was that he cared very much for things that are on my heart. From something as simple as Daniel bringing over fried yucca (which I was so looking forward to, but was never served in our house) to some things that Pastor Arturo shared with me, I couldn't get away from feeling that God had interacted with me directly, in some ways more than I had ever felt before.

It's hard to explain this, because I've obviously seen God work in my life many times, seen his fingerprints on different areas, especially being able to look back and pinpoint what he was doing to lead me a certain way, etc. But this was different. Maybe it was my own attitude. I had been praying before we left that as a team we would be obedient to God's guiding and follow with boldness and without fear. The very first night we were there we went to a church service where Pastor Arturo spoke about Abraham, and how important it is to obey without reservation and go, even when we don't know where God is leading us. Then it was a theme that Pastor brought up throughout the rest of the week. He takes a lot from Abraham's life, and it shows. They go where God sends them, with or without money, maybe without the most firm plans in place, but they go. And God provides for them. So I was listening to this, and sort of laughing internally about God's sense of humor and how he will bring things up over and over again as an answer to prayer, or something that he wants you to focus on.

Ok, obedience.

I don't know when I stopped chuckling inside and really paid attention. It could have been after Miguel asked me to give the last lesson for VBS on Thursday night. And was sure that I could do it in spanish since I spoke so well. And then told me that he wanted me to share the Gospel that night too at the end of the lesson, making sure that it was aimed both at the kids and their parents.

GULP.

I didn't so much chuckle at how God answered that prayer, it was more of an inward scowl at him. But I had prayed for it, so I might as well go along with it. 24 or so people prayed to receive Christ for the first time that night. I know it wasn't me, because the first couple times I invited people to pray, no one responded. Miguel talked them through it and had me still lead everyone in prayer, but it definitely wasn't because of anything I did. And now the church will follow up with them and visit them and hopefully help them begin to walk with God.

And so, maybe for this reason, maybe for another, it's more personal to me now. Jesus is more personal and close than he has been in awhile, maybe ever. And tho it's not showing up in every area, I'm trying to let that sink in and affect other parts of my life. I want to learn more of his word so that it's easier to remember and obey. I want to know what God's will is for my life, not just assume that it's some generic "good life". I want to have the Gospel written on my heart so that anytime an opportunity presents itself that I can share. Usually big "Mountaintop Experiences" have a way of fading over time. I'm thinking this might actually be something that sticks, at least that's what I'm praying for.

favorite? pt 2

2007-03-22T16:36:00.000-05:00

The rest of what I told Christine at lunch is roughly as follows:

I felt very privileged to have had the opportunity to speak spanish in Perú. I've worked at it for years and it's come in handy many times, tho possibly never so much as last week. I know that some people on our team got really frustrated by not speaking the language, and I was able to at least help out a little bit with translating, to help them connect.

I also felt that I connected so much to Pastor Arturo and Miguel, Carlos in Cusco, and others because I was able to speak with them. There were times when Pastor Arturo wanted to ask people what they thought of being down there and what they would take away to further their walk with God, and he asked me to help him have these discussions, so it was like I got to eavesdrop in these cool conversations and learn so much from this man who was always so quiet and reserved.

I also got to talk to Carlos after we had given him gifts of thanks for guiding us through Cusco and Macchu Picchu; his broken english didn't make for a very coherent thank you and goodbye. He told me that he was very excited to have a large group of Americans (he had only had 1 or 2 at a time up to that point) and he loved that we were down there to help and serve. It blessed him very much to know that we served the same God and if we ever (or our friends) came back to Cusco we would have everything that we would possibly need, he and others would gladly provide it. It made a lot more sense the second time around. I hadn't realized that he was a believer (I must have just skimmed through that email), and just hearing that from him endeared to me even more.

Ever since high school I have felt that there was a reason I was learning spanish, that God was going to use it in my life. Even tho I still wonder why on earth I have a Bachelor's degree just in spanish and not something more "useful", I can see that God has been directing my steps. I pray that I can continue to be more willing to use my abilities to glorify him, and hopefully seek out more opportunities to do so, not just waiting for my next chance to get out of the country.

favorite?

2007-03-21T16:29:00.000-05:00

Christine asked me at lunch today for a favorite story from Peru. I shared a couple that I really enjoyed (not really ministry related at all) but then was thinking that most of my favorite things came from just being there and experiencing in general, not just in snippets of stories.

One quick story: on the night when the deaf were performing (was it Tuesday? I'm so off track!) I was telling Jodi and Leon about yucca and how awesome it is. I was having a hard time explaining it to them, the best I could come up with was "more like a potato than a potato". Yeah, that makes sense. I asked Daniel, one of the translators to help me out, but he really couldn't. He likened it to me trying to explain a cranberry to him. Even if I could verbalize what a cranberry was like, he wouldn't know because there are no cranberries in Perú, he has no frame of reference.

Fair enough. Leon and Jodi laughed at me for my pitiful explanation and Daniel made a phone call. It was either the next morning or the morning after when Daniel came by around breakfast time to start the day. He had a rubbermaid container and a plastic bag. He gave me the plastic bag which contained an unprepared yucca, and then opened the container and allowed me to sample his mother's homemade fried yucca, still warm. Oh, it was so good!! I never did get to thank his mother for the wonderful gift, but I did get to share with the rest of the team who did agree that it's really awesome.

I was also vindicated in my defining yucca as "more like a potato than a potato"; Leon agrees with me now.

hemos llegado en casa

2007-03-20T16:04:00.000-05:00

phew! That was an adventure.

By far the worst part of the trip was coming home, at least for me. Thank you to everyone for praying and updating and meeting us at the airport, what an awesome family! I'll be posting more, this time I'm actually up to date on my journaling, it won't be like last year when I let Jodi tell the whole story...=)

I'm going home now.

¡aqui estamos!

2007-03-13T10:02:00.000-05:00

We`re here in Peru now, and it`s beautiful, much like I remembered it. We`ve been doing very well, except for some bouts of tummy aches. If you`re interested in more details, check Jodi`s blog she`ll be doing more than me, prolly. I`ll just summarize everything else at the end, very likely, unless I get a large chunk of downtime (Jodi`s quicker at condensing things than I am, I guess).

Anyway, if you`re praying for us, thank you! And if you`re not, you should! =) See you in a few more days!

kinda nervous

2007-03-08T13:02:00.000-06:00

I'm kinda nervous about going to Peru next week. We were supposed to be sharing our feelings and such during our last group meeting and I'll admit, I couldn't screw up the nerve to say anything. Partly because I feel that how I feel is sort of silly, or that it would be perceived that way, and partly because others in our group have more serious issues that they're facing that may or may not be resolved this week, or may actually result from the trip itself.

I've done as much as I could to stay away from making expectations for the trip. I've been to Peru 4 times already. I've been to Lima once. That already makes me the most experienced person on the team. I've tried to do what I can to be a resource, stay away from being a know-it-all, and be useful. But the last time I was there was over 5 years ago now. I don't know how things may have changed. If you still need a current adapter for electricity? I don't quite recall if we'll be able to flush toilet paper, or we'll have to throw it in the trash, like we always had to do in the jungle. I don't know any more than general travel tips, no special insight into Peruvian culture. I spent much more time in the jungle in general, so Lima is not somewhere I'm intimately aquainted with as it is. I just fear that I've been giving bad or outdated information and that I'll be proved very wrong when we get there.

I'm also pretty ashamed of my current ability to speak Spanish. I haven't spoken it fluently for more than about 3 minutes at a time in over 5 years, and that's mostly been simple translating at work, off a script that I know pretty well. So maybe I'll take the 7 hours that we'll be flying from Atlanta to read my spanish-english dictionary. I have this thing about practicing in my head, having imaginary conversations with friends and stuff; I've been doing that lately, I guess we'll see if it helps. It's at least helped me realize how much vocabulary I've started forgetting....good thing we'll have translators.

Overall, I feel good, I'm very excited to go, looking forward to seeing old friends and making new ones, being challenged in my faith and learning a lot. There's not much I can do about any of it now except make sure I'm packed and ready to go on Saturday morning and give everything I can while I'm down there, I guess.

almighty grace

2007-03-06T13:00:00.000-06:00

"It takes Almighty grace to take the next step when there is no vision and no spectator - the next step in devotion, the next step in your study, in your reading, in your kitchen; the next step in your duty, when there is no vision from God, no enthusiasm and no spectator. It takes far more of the grace of God, far more conscious drawing upon God to take that step, than it does to preach the Gospel."
Oswald Chambers

I thought preaching the Gospel was hard. It takes a lot for me to get out of myself and actually share with someone, in most cases. I was talking to God this morning, more rambling really, about how hard it's been to get back into running and working out and everything. There's always a big lag in the winter, even if we have a treadmill, there are quite a few other things to take the place of a daily workout. And now it's March, and I was hoping to be able to run outside soon, but that might be delayed. We'll be in Perú next week where it will be much warmer, and I'll have runners all around me that will serve as positive peer pressure, but then what? I'd like to run a 1/2 marathon in May, or at the very least the 10 mile race again in October. But there's SO MUCH running that I'd have to do on my own...even with a vision I have trouble pushing through and going forward.

I read this quote this morning before coming into work. I guess it was just comforting that these difficulties are recognized, and it's not just me. I know part of it is I'm kinda lazy and I get distracted easily. However true that is, God's grace is available, and even more necessary, in those times.

2007-03-01T11:26:00.000-06:00

We're closing the office now, due to the snow. For some reason, I have a strange desire to go home and watch The Empire Strikes Back.

Kinda wish I had brought my Taun-Taun to work today...

2007-02-28T16:08:00.000-06:00

I was looking back over my first couple months of posting the other day and noticed that I used to post a lot more about God and what I was learning. Granted, I was newly married, and learning something every single day, but I was also really into my quiet times and even though things weren't always great, I was in a very good place a couple years ago.

I had totally forgotten that I used to read My Utmost for His Highest every day before work. I forgot what it felt like just writing for myself, thinking that no one was reading, so it didn't matter if what I wrote made any sense to anyone else but me. I felt like I could see God working everywhere, he related to everything that was going on. Those posts are really encouraging, and I feel challenged to get back to that type of posting. I definitely will be putting my copy of My Utmost back into my car to start reading again before work, I've been slowly getting better at my quiet times and journaling again, I'd like to see God moving in my life again like he was back then.

airport cabs

2007-02-27T12:37:00.000-06:00

I didn't even know this was an issue, but apparently...

It seems that some Somali cab drivers that service the airport are refusing to take passengers that carry alcohol or even pets. The alcohol I can see, it's a major tenet of Muslim belief, as I understand it. The pets? I dunno. The basic idea is this - any cabbie can refuse a fare if they believe there is a threat to their safety (i.e. drunk passenger) but some are now refusing fares just because they bring alcohol with them. And apparently it's generating quite a few complaints.

How many people are walking out of the airport looking for a cab with a 5th of vodka or a 6 pack of Coors in their hand, anyway? And it's not like cab drivers are going to inspect your baggage to make sure you don't have anything they object with, right? Typically if a cabbie passes on a fare, then he has to "go to the end of the line", which could take 3 hours to get through again, so you can't be waiting all that long for the next guy to come along and take your money and give you a ride (of course if 70% of all airport cabbies are Somali muslims, you probably have a high chance for multiple rejections, depending on the devoutness of their beliefs).

On the one hand, I would have to be honest and say that I'm a little biased against Somali drivers in general due to several opportunities to observe their driving skills (to be fair, I've also been outside of the US where their driving would probably be perfectly acceptable). This doesn't mean that I don't feel bad for them. MAC is proposing an ordinance which would suspend one's airport license for 30 days for the first refusal to take a fare for any reason other than safety, and revoke it entirely for the second refusal.

I would have thought that there would be some organization jumping to their aid right away. Maybe the ACLU just doesn't like religion in general, no matter what freedoms are being encroached upon. And sadly, I'm wondering if the Rutherford Institute or other christian groups will pay much attention because they're not Christians.

Are the Somalis going too far? I know plenty of Christians that think drinking in any quantity is a sin, but would any of them refuse service of some kind to someone that has a bottle in their hand and offering them money? The man interviewed likened it to taking part in someone sinning. Are there more things that we should be careful of, thinking that we may be held accountable for silently consenting to the sins of others?

lazy monday

2007-02-26T15:31:00.000-06:00

for those with some time on your hands, you might find this interesting. Dunno if there's any point to it, but it was kinda neat to me:

http://www.nfctd.com/home.html

good/bad

2007-02-23T06:56:00.000-06:00

The good thing about client visits: I get to leave the office for approximately half of the work day, and the company pays for a yummy lunch at Axel's.

The bad thing about client visits: I had to dress nice. On a Friday! Granted, we're all casual all the time, so I'm really not losing a special casual day, but still. I guess it's worth it for a free lunch.

2007-02-22T13:04:00.000-06:00

Tuesday night I saw God work. It's obviously not the first time, nor the last. It seems trite to try and quantify how meaningful it was, tho it feels like I should try for some reason? Of course it was meaningful, it was God working in my life. But whatever...

I have been feeling tired, down and discouraged and at times on the verge of tears for weeks now. It's never a good sign when you're out of the entire state for a whole week, and then come back feeling the exact same as when you left. I ended up skipping house church last week because of it. I just couldn't bring myself to go, even if I was only about a mile away.

I've been praying, reading my Bible when I think of it, but just unable to shake this on my own. I didn't really want to go to the Leader's meeting on Tuesday, I've been tired, kinda sad. But I went because I have to, I'm committed, etc, etc. Karl took quite a bit of time to ask for stories about what's been happening in small groups, and there were quite a few stories of people following through on commitments they made to raise their kids right or be more bold in evangelism and even though there was a twinge of conviction (because when's the last time I shared the Gospel with someone?) it was really exciting to hear others be excited about following God. And then as I was meeting with my small group leaders, Christine was SO encouraged and had these exciting things to share that it was practically contagious, and I remember thinking "this is why I hang out with these people!" I left feeling better than I had in days, with a slightly renewed sense of purpose, or if nothing else, a feeling that I could hold on a little longer and that things will be ok.

I think I take it for granted that this is part of what the body of Christ is here for, to encourage one another and lift each other up. Even without anyone trying (I didn't share anything about how I was feeling until after everyone else had talked about their groups) I felt better just by being around people being themselves. It's crazy how simple it all is. There's no formula to it, we just get to be who we are and let God use us.

endless? frustration

2007-02-19T12:56:00.000-06:00

Since coming back to work last week from being on vacation for a week, there hasn't been a day that I didn't wish I wasn't working (was that clear?). It's partly because I just would really like to stay home and take care of the house and the kids we don't have yet, and partly because it's becoming glaringly obvious that no matter how things change at my job, they tend to stay the same. I can't really go into detail about it because it's long and drawn out and probably boring to most everyone, but no matter the re-organizations, the new hires, the promises to look into something, being sold to a new company (that actually happened while I was in Florida), things in the day-to-day operations of the office never seem to really change.

Some people may find that comforting, and in some situations, I could agree. But I'm currently seeing all the things I would like to change in order to make things more efficient and allow me to actually grow and feel more productive at my job, and that's what's not changing, which is the part that I don't like so much.

I always figured I could stick it out until we had kids and I can just go home. As of last week, that's not necessarily my stongest impulse anymore. So my attitude? It sucks. And what do I do? I dunno. Is there another job that I can find to pay me this much money? I'll probably have to start back where I did when I started here almost 7 years ago, which is significantly less than I make now. I've contemplated just finding a job at the local Caribou coffee, probably making even less money. But where does God want me? Good question. I have a feeling this is one of those darn character building opportunities, and to date, I'm probably failing miserably.

the hpv vaccine

2007-02-14T12:22:00.000-06:00

Ever since I started seeing commercials for this, I've been sick of it. All these women who are amazed and slightly outraged that no one told them that cervical cancer is caused primarily by exposure to a simple virus? But that's ok, you can get a shot and never have to worry about it. Now it's all about being One Less to suffer or to worry because if you don't get the shot, apparently you're just about guaranteed to get cervical cancer.

I heard on MPR yesterday (here's the article) that Minnesota is considering legislature to possibly mandate that all 12 year old girls will get the vaccine with their normal regimen of shots at that same age. I know it got approved by the FDA last year, but no one knows any of the long term side effects or other risks that could be associate with it, and I'm not really sure we should be enlisting every young girl in the state to find out for us. It also would create HUGE profits for the drug's manufacturer, but that's ok, I bet they could really use it. My main concern is that all these women and girls are only getting partially educated about something that doesn't necessarily require a vaccine to prevent.

Granted, I learned about cervical cancer in a very specialized way. On a medical mission trip with school we were working with several doctors, one of whom was a gynecologist. He explained that cervical cancer is one of the top killers in Peru for women, partly because of the lack of information that is provided. Just by becoming sexually active before the age of 18 immediately doubles your risk. As does having multiple partners (or partners who have had multiple partners), frequent sexual encounters, and multiple pregnancies. Now, I wonder why there are people out there thinking that mandating the vaccine send a mixed message about sexuality?

Cervical cancer is awful and has a high mortality rate, by all means we should prevent it. But why not do so with actual, complete information? Smoking increases your risk as well, you could add that into the current campaign against cigarettes. Long term oral contraceptive use also increases risk, but there's a good chance that you'll see a commercial for the new prescription birth control pill that will shorten your period in the same programming time as you'll see a "one less" ad.

All this information could be given in a 12 year old's Sex Ed class - it doesn't even have to lead to a "this is why abstinence is a good idea" message. And it's not like it's new news either. That trip that I took was almost 10 years ago. It doesn't make sense that they wouldn't have told me this when I had Sex Ed (granted that was more than 10 years ago), or why they wouldn't share it now. I'm not typically a conspiracy theorist, but this one kinda reeks of people witholding useful information for their own insidious purposes or profit.

trivial things i learned on my trip to florida

2007-02-13T12:40:00.000-06:00

1. In the 4 or so terminals I visited in Chicago-O'Hare Airport, I found a Children's Museum (not-so fancy play area) and only one moving sidewalk.

2. Never having had more than a couple Disney movies growing up, I didn't realize how repetitive children's videos are, especially when watched daily. I could now tell you more than anyone needs to know about Pygmy Marmocets, 3-toed Sloths, Maned Wolves, and Condors. can also sing many songs about jumping, running and flying to help rescue these animals.

3. Condors do not fly after the sun goes down, but if you're with Diego, you could possibly find the giant Condor who will be able to raise the sun into the sky and give you some more daylight hours...I need to find that Condor, I think.

4. I noticed quite a large (to me) number of people (in the many hours that I spent in the airport) carrying around cylindrical containers on their travels. Most were very long, several were too skinny to be carrying fishing poles, which really was my only guess as to what could possibly be inside (my other thought would have been firearms, but I'm thinking they'd make you check those these days). I'm still curious to know what would be so popular, if anyone cares to hazard a guess or two...(or in case you really know?)

5. Ducks who are used to getting fed get kinda pissed if you visit their pond without food. It was a species I've never seen before, and they started hissing and approaching menacingly, as if to take whatever they could find by force, which would probably have been Lincoln.

6. I liked the spaces between the terminals at O'Hare. There was one area that was filled by paintings from local residents, but in general the spaces were dimly lit, almost empty, much more quiet than the rest of the airport, and a little lonely. There was just something peaceful there.

7. There were also parts of O'Hare that reminded me of the Airport in Lima. I can't really describe it too well, but it did.

apparently I learned many useless things by walking around in an airport for several hours. At least the time didn't go to waste, right?

8. Playing Zelda: Twilight Princess for approximately 20 hours got me nowhere near finishing, but totally made me want a Gamecube (or Wii) so I could keep trying.

it's still february?

2007-02-12T12:10:00.000-06:00

It feels like I've been gone for a month, but unfortunately it was only a week. I will commend my husband on his choice of weeks for this trip, from what I heard I missed lots of below zero windchills and coldness (I didn't really miss them).

I got to visit my sister and the 3 most adorable kids on the face of the earth:

Noa will be 3 in May, and she already speaks amazingly well and has also perfected her mother's "death stare" (that's her fishy face, it's almost as funny)

Lincoln just turned 1 in November, he's always happy, and also always hungry. Favorite word: please (said "peas") to indicate that he would like something, which is pretty constant.

Cole was born December 19th, he mostly ate and slept while I was there, but he's pretty cute as well, I like him.

It was a most interesting trip, I learned that Dora has a cousin by the name of Diego who apparently rescues all sorts of jungle/rainforest animals:
He also apparently creates in young children the incessant need to watch his videos daily (Noa cried when she found out he had been taken back to the video store).

I also found out that Disney has a Downtown that seems to be family friendly, but also pumps Panic! at the Disco songs and other inappropriate music at high volumes. That was on Pleasure Island (isn't that where Pinnochio got turned into an ass? And people want to go there?) which is all nightclubs, but they also share the music on speakers that you hear clearly in the block or two that it takes to get past it. Then you hit the stores where all you hear are songs from any and every Disney movie imaginable, they must really love extremes there.

The only downside in the entire trip was the actual travel to and from. I was supposed to leave at noon on Feb 3 and arrive just before 8pm. Then my noon flight became a 2pm flight, which didn't actually leave Minneapolis until 5pm because of some valve that wouldn't open and a gauge that wouldn't give the right reading, even tho the other instrumentation was showing that everything was ok. I was bumped from my 4pm flight out of Chicago (defintiely missed that one) to the next one at 7:35, only by the time we got to Chicago, I found out that the 7:35 flight was delayed until 10:45pm. Which meant that I had almost 5 hours all to myself in Chicago-O'Hare airport. Wow, was that exciting. I saw as many terminals as I could reach on foot, and found that the only restaurant that even came close to rivaling Starbucks in number of locations was McDonald's. I lost count, but I'm willing to bet there was at least a dozen each in the 3 or 4 terminals I wandered through. I didn't get to Tampa until after 2:30am. It's a good thing that my sister and her husband are night owls...

Then, on the way back I found that my 10:55am flight had been delayed until 12:25pm, which would mean that I would yet again miss my connection in Chicago. The only other flight to Minneapolis on Saturday was at 7:30pm, and I would be home by 8:45 or so. Instead, they routed me through Dallas, I left at 12:20 and got back home by 7:45. I was originally supposed to land at 3pm. Granted, it was better than the 12+ hrs that it took me to get down there, but I'm finding that as much as I'm looking forward to going to Lima next month, I'm dreading the actual travel itself. At least I won't be alone next time....

did you remember?

2007-01-31T06:54:00.000-06:00

Tim and Kathy, I know that's the real reason you chose this auspicious date to get married 3 years ago...

no post today

2007-01-30T12:10:00.000-06:00

There will be nothing interesting to post today, I'm taking my lunch break to create a menu and grocery list because our fridge is about bare.

Any suggestions on what I should make for dinner over the next couple weeks?

who's in?

2007-01-29T12:37:00.000-06:00

There have been some ladies with whom I have been batting around the idea of starting up a running group, because we all like running, and we all like each other, so why not? It would also provide a possible avenue to reach out and meet new people as well, because we like new people too.

So Kathy posted the other day about meetup.com, and I looked, and there's not a single meet up group for running in Minneapolis, tho there's lots of interest, from what I can tell. Here's my thought - why not start up a running/jogging meetup group for girls of varying running abilities and maybe allow for several meetings through the week to accommodate different schedules, etc. so that we can get this show on the road and actually do it!?

I know I had run the idea past a couple people, and sorta got mixed reactions, but I think we can work through this. Who's with me? If you're interested at all let me know, maybe we put togetehr an informational meeting to talk about details and stuff...

i hate it, pt. 2

2007-01-26T12:50:00.000-06:00

This morning I was dreaming. I forget what about, something to do with work maybe? But I know I was cold. This is not something you normally notice in dreams, but I did. Then I woke up to my first alarm (the one that I ignore completely) and noticed that even with my nice big down comforter, I was almost shivering, I was so cold. It was too early to get up, but I couldn't fall back asleep in that state. So I begrudgingly got up and found more layers to put on, and then crawled as fast as I could back under the covers, 250% warmer.

That was 5 minutes of sleep that I could have really used.

i hate it

2007-01-25T12:52:00.000-06:00

Don't you just hate when you had a pretty great idea for a short and sweet blog entry of at least moderate interest or wit, and then by the time lunch rolls around, you have utterly forgotten it?

I guarantee the moment I leave the office today, I will probably remember.

the best gifts are unexpected

2007-01-23T12:03:00.000-06:00

I have found recently how true this is. They can be thoughtful, or just spur of the moment, either way, it usually rocks.

exhibit A: for Christmas, my husband had an idea of what he wanted to get me as a gift, but warned that it would be a little more spendy than we usually aim for. We ended up with a bit of extra money, so we decided to splurge this year. I had no idea what it was, but he kept promising over and over that it would be the best gift ever. It wasn't on my list, and I had an idea, but I was dead wrong. I opened my present on Christmas morning to find a ticket to Tampa to visit my sister for a WHOLE WEEK. Her (and her hubby, I like him too!) and her munchkins, the youngest of which was just born last month. Words do not describe the thoughtfulness and overwhelming awesomeness of my husband for coming up with such a gift for me. We had talked about it back in the fall, and it was generally understood to be not really feasible, thus the unexpected part. He's the best ever, that's all.

exhibit B: on Friday last week, someone had popped popcorn, and as we were all commenting on how good it smelled, I happened to add that microwave popcorn just tastes waxy to me anymore, super gross. (which is fine, fewer extra calories for me) Beth was wondering what type of popcorn I could eat, if not microwaved, and I admitted we do have a stovetop cooker at home. You have to use oil, tho, and I don't like how greasy it gets. I told her how I just wished that I had a hot air popper, like when I was a kid. She was so excited that she told me right away how she had gotten an extra air popper as a white elephant gift, and they were looking for something to do with it. Well, first thing Monday morning, I received my very own hotair popper! I used it last night, and it was fantastic. Not quite as fantastic as my upcoming trip to Florida, but pretty great, nonetheless.

Have you ever gotten a gift like that?

my inner nerd

2007-01-22T12:15:00.000-06:00

I took Jodi's Nerd Test and only scored 36%, but I'm thinking it might be a little off. I have this newer habit of learning about something, getting excited, and then immersing myself in it until I find out everything I possibly can. I did that with various DJs and electronic music, and most recently Ryan Adams, I'll actually still get hung up on listening to him for days on end.

My latest obsession has to do with Neil Gaiman. Seth told me about a movie a couple years ago that he had written, and we went to go see it - Mirrormask. It's one of those little known independent-ish films that only got shown at the Lagoon or Uptown theaters. So I loved it. But didn't think too much more about it after that. Seth told me he had written some comic books, etc, and I thought that was very nice for him.

Then I was at the library a couple months back, just perusing random shelves, and came across a book that described an entire series that Gaiman had written for Vertigo comics back in the day, called Sandman. It looked interesting enough, so I borrowed it, and became so intrigued that I've been borrowing the whole trade paperback series and just about anything else by Neil Gaiman that I could get my hands on. I even bought Seth a novel he had written as a Christmas present...and then proceeded to read in before he had a chance to!

So now I can say with certainty that I have a favorite author, something I really haven't had since I was a kid, probably. I do feel somewhat nerdy because his writing is firmly grounded in the fantasy genre, I now am regularly taking home comic books from the library, along with BBC DVDs of a sci-fi tv show that he had done. I used to tease Seth because he was so into comics and superheroes and here I am, right in the same boat.

I have always enjoyed a good fantasy story (The Chronicles of Narnia have been favorites of mine since I was too young to see all the Christian allegory in them), but since "growing up" I've had a hard time really getting too much into it. I can only take so many dragons and unicorns, after all. But Gaiman tells stories that are fairly well grounded in real life, just with a bit of a twist. It's obviously fantasy, but not so overwhelmingly over-the-top. And it's all pretty funny, also a good thing.

housekeeping 101

2007-01-19T12:26:00.000-06:00

Just a tip: if you decide that you need to dust the top of your tater top casserole with cayenne pepper just after you put it into the 450 degree oven; you might want to take it out of the oven first. That way, when the heat drafts into your face, it won't carry the cayenne pepper with it and throw it into your eyes, making them sting and burn.

I amaze myself sometimes with my brainpower...

hurray for censorship!

2007-01-16T11:51:00.000-06:00

i'm positively outraged. Or at least mildly perturbed. I went into our little break area with the training computers that are available for use at lunch time to play on the internet without looking like a slacker at your desk. This is just like I did yesterday, I logged on, pulled up a web browser, and went to go play my daily SET game, but today I found a nasty little message "Access to the Web address you requested is prohibited based on Company's Acceptable Use Policy."

What? I would understand if I was heading into a chatroom, or something truly offensive - I can even understand that they blocked myspace. But Set? There's also no way to get to Yahoo or MSN's game sites either. And my g-chat has been disabled. I find it amusing, however, that I can check blogs and post myself. Apparently that's not a waste of company time or unacceptable according to the use policy. Yet.

Wow. I used to be very thankful that my company wasn't like other companies that had those types of practices, but apparently the Man gets to keep us down too.

apostrophes running wild

2007-01-15T12:25:00.000-06:00

i'll admit, i'm something of a grammar nerd. My mom spent a large amount of my youth correcting my grammar and syntax. A lot of it stuck, and learning spanish cemented more, especially along the lines of grammar.

One of my all time pet peeves is the misuse and current abuse of the apostrophe. This poor thing, once used only to designate contractions or show possession, now apparently is just for any old reason you'd like, mostly for pluralizing abbreviations. This bothers me in day to day misuse, but I swear, if I see it one more time on a professional sign, or in a commercial, I don't know what I'll do! I was watching tv last night, and there was a commercial for a local sports shop that seemed very proud to state on a rolling display across the screen "the pro's shop here!" What about the pro's shop? why was it here?

Ugh. Pretty soon, apostrophe's won't mean anything, and we'll all start u'sing them in front of all s's, since that seem's to be the current trend.

Could we plea'se remember that there's a time and place for everything, e'specially apo'strophe's?? It's getting to be so bad, that I have caught myself apostrophizing (sure it's a real word!) things incorrectly. I'm quite ashamed of it, but I'm pretty sure it's a cry for help...