so last night I stepped into Celebrate Recovery for the very first time. I found friendly faces that I knew, that was nice, we sang some praise and worship songs that I would expect to be sung at such a gathering, and I felt a wall immediately erected. I was just going to be an observer, no emotions involved. No crying especially, I've had enough of that lately.
Dan gave a message on Denial, how it works into the first of the 12 steps, how it keeps us from healing. OK, I got it, no big deal. I even sort of half heartedly thought of ways that I might be in denial...yeah, it didn't take much effort. And that was enough of that.
We broke into groups, the men and women stay together to share, and they took the new kids away separately, to watch a video on how this all works, and then we broke away into new guys and new girls and got to have our own "open share" time where we could talk about our issues and why we were there and what we're feeling, etc. Man, for a group of girls we were sure quiet.

I hadn't realized how scary this is and will be. Some of the girls have been in small groups that I've lead, I've attended small groups or been in ministries with others, I had a connection to each one. I know that I'm seen as a leader at the Rock, and I know that people don't look down on you for having issues. Dan is a leader because he has issues, no one thinks less of him. Somehow, that didn't really make it any easier. It's the admitting of this problem that's the issue. Those girls in that room, I've admitted different problems to many of them, and there has been no shame involved. We've shared struggles before, but this is different. This is something I don't really want to admit to myself, because it feels like the moment I do, the second that I open that door I'll be letting out more than I can handle. I think that food is my issue, at least that's where I'm starting from, but I'm sure it's a coping mechanism, a symptom of something larger and more heinous that I will be asked to tackle.

And all of a sudden, denial seems kinda nice. I don't mind where I'm at so much. I won't be able to stay here, especially now that I know where "here" is. It's just a matter of how long it will take before I get off my keister and get up to fight. I can start as soon as this Saturday...