coming full circle

It's Monday. I really wish it was Friday. Not because then it's the weekend, but then I get to go to the Rock and hang out with my family. I thought of that this morning, and realized that's how I felt way back when 8 years ago when I started coming to the Rock. I couldn't wait for Saturday so I could see my small group and hang out with my friends.

I have been increasingly grateful over the past few weeks for the Rock and everyone that we know there. I really don't know if I could fully express how thankful I am. I know that I have had my times of thinking about leaving, feeling like I've heard the same messages and the same stories a gajillion times before and that maybe, just maybe I've learned all I can here and it's time to move on. But God kept me (and later us) around. There really isn't any way that I see us leaving the Rock at this point, with the sole exception of planting a church. In Peru. (I can still dream!)

I think it's been a slow process, just seeing over and over the faithfulness of God and how he has used people from the Rock in my life. I see Mark and his love for the Rockers, and his vision to see us be great. I see my house church leaders and their passion for helping others grow and to really do an excellent job in what they've been given. I know ministry leaders who tirelessly serve and serve and serve and serve seemingly without complaint or exhaustion. I've had girlfriends who have walked with me through every step of my "adult" life (and by that I mean since graduating college, I still don't always feel very grown up) and have loved, encouraged, and challenged me more times than I can count. I get to hang out with the future of the Rock just about every week in childcare and get to watch the kids get to know the Lord better and be trained to serve, and I know that's what I want for my kids.

People have said they haven't felt community at the Rock like they used to. The funny thing is, I feel like my contact with most people in general has been very limited (between childcare and having our niece and nephew there most weekends, my ability to meet new people or catch up with old friends is really not what it used to be) but I still feel more a part of the community now than I think I ever have. Maybe it's because of who I'm spending time with or how I'm spending the bits of time that I have free. Maybe it's a change of perspective? I'm not really sure, but it's definitely real. I wouldn't trade what I have at the Rock for anything.

Even earlier this year, I was feeling dissatisfied with my small group because we had just joined it, and we knew everyone but didn't feel very close to them. I was just sticking with it because I know it's harder to get close in a married group and we needed to give it time, and there's really no other married small group options in our house church....and then just last night I had the best time with the other girls in the group when we split from the guys. I felt very much like they were more than just friends, they were my sisters, people that I can trust.

The last 3 or so weeks have been quite difficult for me, full of anxiety (which I don't normally struggle with) and worry. There are all sorts of things we don't know and questions we can't answer, and nothing's going to be clear for at least a couple more weeks. This has actually been going on for many months to a lesser degree, but it's really coming to a head, I guess you could say, right now. There have been certain people that have been in on it all from the beginning, and I was really hesitant to let others in. But I think out of necessity, in order to keep my sanity intact I've shared with others, mostly just from small group. I was reminded today that one of Satan's best lies is that we can't share our struggles with others, and then he'll use that to keep us thinking we're alone. That might be what I've been so excited about the Rock for most of all - simply because we're not alone. We've got people to share our lives with, to care for and to love us, and to help us grow.

I think sometimes about where I would be in my life without God, and I wondered today where I would be without the Rock. I definitely feel like I've got so far to grow, so much still to learn, but I feel so spiritually alive, so healthy compared to where I was in college and before that. I am so much more convinced of who God is and who I am in Him, I know these things in a way that I never did, even growing up in a Christian home. And God used the Rock to get me here and He keeps using the Rock to help push me along little by little.

Yeah, I don't really know how to express this without coming across at least a little cheesy, but I'm not sure that I care very much. I'm proud of the Rock, who we've been, who we are now, and I'm really really excited to see who we become in the future, I think God's got something amazing in store. I love being excited to go to the Rock, even if it's hectic on Fridays to get the kids, get dinner ready and then get there super early to get things set up for School of Rock. I'll admit that I have longed for "the good old days", but not anymore. I just wanted to hang around with my friends back then, to be in the presence of the coolest people I knew. Now I want to serve, I want to share my life with them and share in their lives, and to watch where God takes them, and where He's bringing us all together.