Friday, May 15, 2009

where to begin?

Unless you're really bad at math, or figure that 48 weeks pregnant would be normal, or if you have no connection to me on Facebook or in person, then you've figured out that I am now officially a mom. There's really a lot that goes into that, kind of too much just to sum up in a few lines. Or even a lot of lines, for that matter.

I was creating a post to tell the story of labor and delivery which may or may not ever get finished. Suffice it to say, it wasn't anywhere near as awful or long as I was expecting it to be, even tho part of that I feel like I cheated by getting an epidural pretty much as soon as I got admitted, but if I hadn't then I wouldn't have slept and things would probably not have gone anywhere near as well as they had. And the end result is the important part - Josephine Rachael came into the world at 9:42am on March 19. That seems like forever ago, even tho 8 weeks isn't really all that long when you think about it.

There are parts of me that really don't have much of a reaction to being a mom. Yeah, everything's different, but it's not like it's so amazingly better or worse, it just is. There are parts that are fantastic, like getting to hold my baby and just sit quietly, breathing in her smell and listening to her breathe. There are amazing parts when she smiles and almost giggles and I can't help but fall in love all over again. There are parts that are awful, like when she poops or spits up on 3 outfits in a row. There are parts that are frustrating, like feeling like a burden when you have to stop everything you were doing with friends in order to change a diaper or feed the baby, but the bad parts are more than evened out by the good.

I feel like we're somewhere in the sweet spot - she's pretty much sleeping through the night (about 7hours at a shot, probably longer if I wasn't so worried about making sure she eats enough), she's learned how to smile and is just starting to gurgle and coo, she's really content for the most part, she doesn't spit up as much as she used to, and she's nowhere near old enough to be naughty just yet. That will probably start earlier than I'm expecting it, so I'd better enjoy this stage while it lasts.

It still seems a little odd sometimes that she's mine (ours). I'm (we're) responsible for her. Apparently it's ok because we haven't broken her or messed her up too badly yet.

Apart from the baby (but still very connected) we're both unemployed right now, so if anyone has any jobs or even leads, just go ahead and let us know. We were all set to have me stay home when Josephine was born, and then at the end of February, Seth lost his job. Definitely not ideal, but it gave me enough time to rearrange plans at work, instead of taking 6 weeks leave and then quitting, I took 12 weeks and was preparing myself to go back to work if necessary. And then at the end of April, I lost my job. That sucked. Well, sort of. I still sort of teeter back and forth between thinking that it's totally God's way of letting us know that I really should be staying home and that's just that, and wondering how the crap this is all going to work out. I'm officially looking for a job, my standards are way lower than Seth's - I just need something that will pay the bills and bring in money until Seth finds the job that will actually support our family and allow me to quit and stay at home again.

There are so many crazy things going on right now in the big picture that I can't deny God's hand in it all. I just couldn't tell you where it's all leading, because we can't see that far ahead just now. Seth's had so many leads fall through, jobs that we thought would be perfect for him. He's working so hard to find something, there's just not much to be found right now. It seems like everything is just a reminder to trust God and put it in his hands. I'm so thankful now that we worked as hard as we did to pay off our cars and Seth's student loans and build up our savings. So far we're ok, and there are things working on the horizon that will hopefully make that last a little bit longer. Ultimately, it's up to God to work everything out for us. I know it'll happen, and I know it'll be amazing, I just have to work sometimes to remember that on a daily basis.

So that's our life in a nutshell...

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