from the way i've been feeling over the last couple days, i knew it was coming. And it did, last night. Thinking about how not-well I've been playing the part of "keeper of the house" and "woman of God" finally caught up to me. There are so many things I would like to change about myself that it's absolutely overwhelming. The things I've tried to date aren't working all that well, and from my track record, I don't have any real hope of lasting improvement. I can't get a normal workout schedule down, I can't clean the house, even with the easiest plan ever imagined. I either plan to do way too many things, or I just can't seem to tear myself away from rented movies and Harry Potter books (thankfully the movies are returned, and I'm done with all the books I've got so far).
I'm well aware that I don't have a lot of self motivation or discipline, I'm willing to admit it. I'm probably a little too phlegmatic for my own good, it takes awhile for things to really bother me, and by that time, I'm in way over my head. What I didn't realize was how negative I've become about myself in the process.
Seth pointed out to me while I was sobbing about my inabilities, that there was absolutely no hope in anything I was saying, nothing positive. I'm at the point where I'm expecting any plan I make to fail in a matter of weeks. I can just about guarantee that any resolution I have will wither with time. I dream of planning my days and running things smoothly, I can see a thinner person inside me, just waiting to be developed, my priorities coming into line where they should be; but I can't seem to actually keep to the path I set out, either I get discouraged or distracted or bored, maybe all of the above.
This is a cycle I've been in for a long time, get upset about my life, work out some things to change, start changing, get off track, stop changing, end up where I started. It usually is that God is trying to get my attention, have me cry out to him for help...I'll listen, do better, get everything in hand, and then spill it all over again.
So here I am again. One more chance. I'm afraid that I'll end up right where I started. I guess this is the part where I try to be positive, try to hope, to believe that God will help me through it.
3 comments:
Oh my gosh. I can't believe somebody spammed your blog. What an ass!
About your post.
R, I know this feeling inside and out. Geez, somehow I trained and completed a marathon, yet now I can't finish a three mile run without breaking down to walk. I can't consistently clean my house or fold laundry. I can't do those things, either- R.
But look, you've been going to workout way more than you have in the past year, right? We've seen such awesome improvement in the few short weeks we've been doing this. We need to aim low, I think. Be encouraged by the small things, and doing as Paul suggested-- Forgetting about what lies behind and pressing on towards the goal. Straining ahead. That's the idea. It's so easy for me to be discouraged about my shortcomings.
My mother in law was telling me last night that she's really begun to enjoy her shortcomings because it's true-- she's inadequate-- all the more reason for Christ to fill her more.
The thing is, you really HAVE made major improvements, Annabanana. Don't let satan wear you down with negative thoughts.
I tried this last night. I stood in front of the mirror before bed and examined all my muscles. You know what? There's been some pretty dramatic improvement since we started that class. I checked out my abs, back, shoulders, biceps, triceps, thighs, calfs: the whole thing. And I was so encouraged to see real improvement there. And I KNOW you've got improvement out of the classes we've been to.
Sometimes I think my view of myself is so distanced from what's in the mirror. Sometimes I need to take a reality check and compare who I really am to who I imagine myself to be.
thanks kg, you have always been a huge help and motivation with working out, and I can't tell you how appreciated it is!
I have improved, working out and as a wife, which are my 2 biggest struggles, I think. But it's just so obvious how much farther there is to go. I just need to be patient and constant. How many times does Oswald Chambers mention in My Utmost that real Christianity is shown more in how you live in the mundane everyday activities, being faithful in those things.
So, can I delete nasty spam mails, do you know??
found out how to delete. That's slick!
Post a Comment