Still Waiting

“So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.” Galatians 6:9

This is currently my favorite verse. Guess why…

For as healthy as I had felt going into this week - not too hopeful, working on continually trusting God no matter what pops into my head - I was really surprised with how incredibly crushed I was to find out that all our efforts in the last couple weeks had been in vain. I even had a couple minutes where I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to try again. Of course I still wanted to, and I still do, but I just entirely undone for a minute there.

I wanted…well, mostly I wanted to cry, and go to bed. But it was Monday morning; I had the whole work day ahead of me. I was definitely upset. And I wanted to be angry, mostly at God, or at my circumstances, which really would be at God, since He’s the one in charge of those circumstances. But I just couldn’t, not after I had worked so hard at giving everything having to do with this over to Him. So I had pancakes for lunch with my kind friend who was nice enough to put her lunch plans on hold to hang out and get my mind off of myself (for future reference, I have now found that I am willing and able to discuss So You Think You Can Dance in pretty much any situation). I also ended up leaving just a little bit early when I decided that I couldn’t get my brain to work anymore. I utterly sobbed on the way home, got there, crawled into bed, and sobbed some more. My hubby was good enough to let me just stay there. I read my verses some, and then slept. Wow, does a nap do you good when you’re really upset. I felt much better after that.

I think it was frustrating because this month I feel like I had more reason to hope than ever. I had a new clinic, all sorts of follow up, a for sure knowledge of when I ovulated, IUIs two days in a row, and I was still doing a pretty good job at keeping my emotions in check, not getting ahead of myself. All that work, all that effort (and there was quite a bit of effort involved in some of it, which will hopefully never have to be repeated), and nothing to show for it. I still got rocked, hit harder than ever by disappointment. What encouragement can I take from that?

The only thing I have to cling to is that God is in control. But why should that be enough? To be perfectly honest, I’m not really that sure. But it has to be. He’s the one that’s capable enough to hold my entire life in His hand and know each and every day of it. He’s wiser than I am, a lot more understanding of all the different factors and everything that goes into every piece of my life, marriage, future, etc. He’s the one that knows what’s best. Somehow, it fits in to His plans that we spend more money, more time off work, more effort, more emotional strength on doing this at least one more time. And my only hope of getting through it is to choose to believe that He knows what He’s doing.

Another challenge that I’ve had to face this week is that even though I’ve already decided that children are not granted to people based on merit, I can’t help thinking that we can’t possibly have struggled with this long enough to be done with it. How ridiculous is this idea? I know that it comes from knowing other couples who are in similar situations, dealing with doctors and hormones and drugs and surgeries for months and years now, trying to conceive. Why would we be able to expect an easier road? Of course I know better, I know that I can’t compare our lives to anyone else’s. God wants to bless these couples just as much as He wants to bless us, but it’s not likely to be in the same way. ‘The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you”’ Ps. 32:8. It’s encouraging to know that there are people in the same boat as we are; they have been kind enough to share their struggles with us and I have found much comfort from that. I just still have to keep my eyes on God, and look to Him to advise us and guide us.

So this is where Galatians comes in. It’s not exactly the context in which you normally hear this verse used. It’s usually in persevering through persecution or in reaching out to someone who is not responding how you would like them to. But I would put trying to have kids and start a family in the category of doing good, there are plenty of verses about how children are a blessing and it is definitely a good thing to raise godly children to try and further God’s work. There are obviously still a few ways in which I need to work on how I perceive this situation, so this helps me. I can keep in mind that what we’re doing is good, that the end will come eventually, whenever God decides it’s time.

I’ve realized in thinking about my marriage or about this particular situation, that I feel that I’ve actually done a pretty decent job of focusing on God and doing things His way. This doesn’t really happen in many areas of my life, so for these major things to be shaping up this way is pretty huge. What it has come down to, as far as I can tell, is a matter of making one decision at a time. It always seems to be a simple decision, but several simple decisions add up to one or two big decisions, and as I’ve gone on, the harder decisions get a lot easier because of how I’ve dealt with the decisions that came before. This is how it’s supposed to work, at least I’m pretty sure that it is.