una vez mas

Faster than I expected, here I am doing appointments and IUIs again. It’s kind of nice, because this is my first time doing it twice in a row, and there’s sort of a sense of momentum. The same day that my period started I talked to the nurse at the clinic and made plans and got prescriptions and pretty much had everything set 2 weeks ago. I was taking pills later the same week, for 5 days in a row, then this week I started my appointments again.

So last week I took some Clomid to help get things ready, Monday was my follicular ultrasound, and it was kind of cool. I saw several promising follicles, and as hoped, got my HCG shot. This is a good thing because it means my body is responding well, and I have thought a little bit ahead to what if we wanted more than one kid and the possibility of having to do this all over again, which would be a pretty moot point if I ended up pregnant with twins (well, sort of. I would like more than 2 kids myself). There are plenty of difficulties to that plan, but ever since I was a kid I have wanted twins, a boy and a girl. But again, I’m not trying to get ahead of myself.

So Tues and Wed were IUIs. The nurse seemed quite pleased at the look of things both days, which I take as a good sign. And now it’s back to waiting. I hate this part, but I think it was easier last month with a tempered hope, and now with an even further tempered hope after last month, and being super busy at work should help keep my mind off wandering too far into the future.

I’m kind of soured on the daydreaming bit, to tell the truth. It doesn’t help anything out, and it’s dumb to daydream of something, and then come back to reality and (at least from my current perspective) have no reason to actually feel that hopeful. I realize this sounds a little jaded and maybe a tad bitter. And I don’t know, maybe it is. I just figured out over the weekend that I still have a problem with my point of view in this situation, and it’s a bit frustrating.

I don’t know exactly when it was, I think there were a couple places over the weekend that I really caught a glimpse of where my head has been hanging around, but I was able to finally verbalize it on Sunday. So remember how I’ve said at least twice how I know that God does not grant children on merit? Still, somehow in my funny little brain or heart or somewhere, I am clinging desperately to this idea that God will bless us with a child if we will just put in our time and wait long enough and try hard enough. And we’d probably have to believe just right as well. That sounds like it would be something we deserve, right? It’s like there’s still a small part of me that’s convinced in the old charismatic ways that if I just say this and do that and turn around 3 times, kiss my elbow and pass the test, that I’ll be guaranteed God’s blessings, exactly as I’d like them, thank you very kindly.

I turned away years ago from the idea that this is how God works. I had heard it phrased around that time that people tend to treat God like a genie, that you just rub the lamp, do the “right” thing, and He’s got to respond how you want Him to. These are His spiritual laws, after all; He’s got to follow His own rules, right? Ummm, yeah, that’s right around when I figured out about sovereignty, and how the God that made the universe has His own way of working things out in it, and really, we can ask for what we need and want, but it’s up to Him, ultimately. Yes, He wants us to have good things, wants to bless us, etc. etc, but our thoughts of blessings and His tend to be a little bit different, from what I have seen. Don’t get me started on what we think we might need vs. what God really knows about what we need…

So don’t be anxious about anything, but pray about everything, tell God what you need and thank Him for all the He’s done for you. How do I tread the fine line of wanting and hoping for a baby of our own while surrendering it to God and having it be ok if it doesn’t happen? It seems that if I give up my right to have my own kids that I don’t care as much. I think I know that this is not a true thought, but I’m having a hard time convincing myself. Why would we be working this hard if we didn’t really want to be pregnant? This has taken a big toll on both of us. I want to think that I care about it so much that I absolutely have to put it in God’s hands and let Him decide, but that isn’t very close to the truth. Do I trust that He’ll give me a baby one day? I don’t know. Do I trust that He’ll do right by me and my husband? I’m more convinced of this, but I want to see it, at least a little bit, before I commit fully. Maybe it comes down to (maybe more than a little) wanting a baby more than I want God’s will in my life at this very moment.

And there it is - there’s my problem. I was thinking today about something Jamie said to me on Sunday, that somehow, at some time, she is sure that God is going to bring children into our lives and our home. She’s not sure how that will happen, just that it will. I think that adoption and foster care are amazing things and opportunities that I would not hesitate in the least to become a part of if that’s where God leads us. Seeing the impact that we’ve been able to have on our niece and nephew just over weekends together is enough to convince me that we would be able to help change lives in some capacity. Even if we had a full brood of our own, I don’t know that’s a door I would close entirely. Watching how Seth is so good around boys and how he’s such a good example of a godly man and how desperately some of the boys we know need that role model, I would definitely want to share that with as many kids as we’d be able to.

I’ve had to open up my horizons before and let God out of the box that I was trying to make for Him with my future before. It led me to such an amazing adventure of being married and serving in our church, making this our family and focus. I think I should be able to work on letting God out of my “baby box” of expecting things to happen “just so”. It’s funny to me how hard I’ve worked at trusting God, how far it seems that I have come, just to find one more area in which I am lacking. Maybe this is it, the final barrier to trusting God!

Or maybe I know better from 29 ½ years of living…

So to actually finish the update: Last night I start taking more pills, which will apparently put me to sleep and also help maintain any possible pregnancies. Bring on the Progesterone! And then…really, there’s nothing but waiting. And hopefully working on really truly completely surrendering my life and my hopes and my dreams.