Monday, October 06, 2008

17 weeks and counting

Well, almost. 17 weeks will be tomorrow.

I'm sure anyone who is or has been pregnant will agree that the weeks tend to fly and creep by. It was already 7 weeks ago when I saw my baby for the first time. It was already 2 weeks ago since my last appointment, and only 3 more weeks until the next one when we get to see another ultrasound.

But my belly has been growing by millimeters, it seems. Quick enough so not all my pants fit, but slowly enough that I'm still pushing off going shopping for new pants. December seems forever away, not to mention actually making it to March. For as long as I've been pregnant, I'm still not even half way there.

I would say overall I'm enjoying things. Especially now that I've gained a little freedom from the eating every 2 hours cycle. I still get hungry about every 2hrs, but the consequences of not immediately eating aren't anywhere near the same. I can even let my tummy growl for a little bit and decide when I want to go to lunch, not when the baby wants to go. That's nice. I'm not really enjoying not fitting into things, it's been harder to find stuff to wear. I think that's a mix of a growing belly and the fact that in the past 4-6 months we've donated something like 4-6 bags of old clothes, and haven't really bothered to replace them, which I guess is the idea behind cleaning out your closet.

It's also been fun learning what you can and cannot do while pregnant - mowing the lawn? Definite yes, especially if it's a self-propelled mower. Digging up bushes? Not so much. Running? Not me, since my heart rate jumps and stays up too high. Disc Golf? Also a no, I was surprised to find how much you use your abdominal muscles while throwing a disc. I had already given up Ultimate due to the running, but apparently even if I could still sprint up and down a field I would have a hard time with actually throwing a frisbee. I was doing laundry this weekend and wondering how long it will take for it to be really difficult for me to lift and carry a really full basket of dirty clothes with a big belly, and also how precarious a walk up or down the stairs would get with full arms...guess we'll find out!

I definitely feel "like my old self"; energy levels are up, I've felt really good besides a cold a couple weeks back, but I still am getting tired by 10-10:30. Naughty me, I usually stay up later than that. Like last night, almost made it to midnight...ouch. There happened to be this really interesting show on PBS about genetic screening and what some people choose to do with the information...but I recorded (hopefully) the rest of it and will watch it later. I haven't been out after the Rock in...about 16 weeks, we did have people over on Friday night, but I ditched them all just after 11pm, such a great hostess!

One thing I'm not used to is there's a lot more worrying in my head than ever before. I'm not generally a worrier, but there's been a bit on my mind lately. We did have everything in place financially for me to stay home when the baby comes. We then decided to finish off the basement (I think it was the right move) and now have a lot more in bills, etc to take care of. Which means I'm not sure where things will be at come March. We have no idea if we'll be able to refinance our home like we would like, there's just a lot more up in the air. Not cool.

Also, I've been having irrational fears of miscarrying. I will admit I thought about it a fair amount during the first trimester, and literally breathed a sigh of relief when I passed 13 weeks. But it still seems like every little twinge or out of the ordinary symptom (even the ones that I know are totally normal) brings actual mental images of me miscarrying and needing to be rushed to the hospital. I know about how big my baby is right now, and I've thought about how it would be to see it outside of my womb. I can't quite figure out if that is actually normal. I keep tying it back to thinking that even with our difficulties in getting pregnant, that things just haven't been difficult enough. God's plan can include anything, and it's not like I think he would maliciously take our baby or that it would happen for no good reason at all, but it's almost like I don't trust that He wouldn't have some reason, and therefore take the baby. I really don't think that's right, tho. Even if something like that were allowed to happen, I don't think He would want it to happen, just that He would use it, as awful as that would be.

Well, I didn't really intend to go all dark and depressing to end things off. Pregnancy and life in general really are good. I find that there are more things to be anxious about, but I think those should be more things to trust God with. There's only so much at this point that I can plan. There's a baby coming. In March. That's less than 6 months away, and there's nothing we can do about it. Between now and then we'll try to figure out what to do with this baby, how to plan for it, we'll put together the nursery (I'm pretty sure at least...) Everything else is pretty much not in our hands. We'll do what we can to be ready, and then see what God has in store. Not being in control is fun!

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