who's afraid?

i'm starting to realize something these days, I'm really not afraid of anything much. And I think it's not such a good thing. I've read books lately that mention fearing God, and how that affects your life. Then I'm wondering why my life seems to be without much of a spark lately; how I enjoy the high points, I'm busy, but in general it almost feels like I have no drive to go anywhere or do anything in particular. I'm just kinda here, and it really stinks. When things are quiet, when I'm not running in 4 different directions at once, there's something that's not quite right, and I wonder if that's it.

The Bible says the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. There's lots of evidence that fearing God is a good thing. And mentally, I agree. Practically, however, I can't seem to grasp it. I grew up understanding that "fear" in that context is like a holy reverence, an awe before the Lord that doesn't come with anyone or anything else. I then proceeded to be taught that Jesus is my brother and friend, God is my father, the Holy Spirit my comforter. There's really nothing scary there. Even the definition of fear that I was taught wasn't scary. More impressive than anything. The Gospel is good news, it's about love of the sinner, not hatred of sin; redemption is about what you're being saved to, not where you're coming from. I didn't exactly grow up with a terrible addiction or sin or struggle that Jesus delivered me from, something that I've been so scared to fall back into that I wouldn't dream of turning away. I'm comfortable. I know God. I know the stories, the Bible verses, I know the lingo, even a little theology. There's not really anything unknown or frightening to me about my faith. I'm not in a desparate place where I need to trust God or my world will come crashing down. I have nothing to fear.

Most people would think that's good, that's where God wants me to be. But I also have nothing to look forward to, nothing to expect. Everything's pretty blah right now. I'm not putting forth as much effort as I could or probably should with small group because we're all meshing and things are good. My marriage is good, I put forth the necessary effort to make sure things don't fall apart, maybe a little extra effort if I'm feeling really godly or overly inclined. The rest of my life seems just a matter of time before it all unfolds as I currently imagine it, so why bother wondering if there's anything else out there? I have my expectations. They're lower than I started with, but they still seem acceptable.

Do I have concerns? Sure, I might even phrase them like they're something I fear. I'm afraid that my small group won't accomplish the depth of searching and seeking that we originally set out for because I was satisfied that we all got along so great. I'm afraid that if I keep being so busy I'll get so stressed out I won't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid that if I let things stay the same way for much longer that I'll start slipping into a typical American Christianity, just a stupor-filled, uneventful, uninspiring, unchanging life. I won't impact my kids, my family, my church, my community, and my life won't be worth remembering. I'm afraid that I'll just end up seeking amusements, satisfying myself with funny stories and good movies, not actually living. I'm afraid that I'll get to Heaven one day, and almost everything I've done will be burned up like straw, and I'll escape as one through the flames. All this, and what have I done about it? Not much, lately. It's there, but it's like there's this Apathy that's holding everything down, supressing any urge to act.

God is supposed to be dangerous, right? He's allowing his own to be tracked down and arrested, tortured and killed because they choose to believe what he says. He gave us an example of how to live that was entirely unorthodox by any standards, that took risks and flew in the face of decorum and decency and actually changed the world. He's the God who created the entire universe and holds this puny world in his hand. He knows everything I've ever thought in my entire life, knows me inside and out, and can tell me exactly how evil and wretched I am. I think I've stopped believing it on some level. I'm alright. I go to church, I serve there, I lead a small group, I try to reach out and "be like Christ", I read books about having a good marriage and being a disciple. Do I think that I've reached some level after which no repentance is required? Absolutely insane. Nothing phases me right now, nothing. Even those things which cause me to stop and think only penetrate so far. That kind of scares me, that my heart would grow so hard that it can't be touched. Sure, Hallmark moments can put a tear in my eye, but the thought of my own disobedience? That only causes a frown, at best.

Is it because I'm too busy? Is it because I'm too distracted? Am I too lazy? Is there a valid excuse at all? Do I have hope that I can change? Can I even start imagining a different life for myself than the one that currently stands before me? The funny thing is, my next step planned for the evening is to go down and watch tv until I can't think anymore and then crawl into bed, exhausted. And I wonder why it feels like my heart has been turned off lately....