No promises

I can't promise that I'll do very well with this, but I'd like to at least try. There's been some serious stuff going on in my life and I was thinking this weekend that it might be a good thing to blog about, for a couple reasons. Several people know about it, and this would be an easy way to alert these several people to what's going on so that they don't all have to come ask (not that I mind anyone asking, because I don't...anymore) but I know that some people don't want to ask for whatever reason, this makes that easier as well. And then I hope that through sharing my struggles other people might find encouragement as well. I wouldn't be where I am without the help and encouragement of others, so maybe I can help someone else too. So yeah. This used to be a closely kept secret, but God's really worked on my heart, and maybe he'll continue using it as I continue being open...

For about a year and a half, Seth and I have been trying to conceive. It's obviously been unsuccessful, as anyone can tell by my lack of gushing posts about how cute our baby is and how much he or she poops. We've been working with doctors since November, and have just gone through a 2nd round of Intrauterine Inseminations (IUIs).

Oh boy. So many reasons not to tell anyone. Not because we/I was ashamed that we were having trouble in this area, but I didn't really want to call attention to myself/ourselves, didn't want anyone's pity, didn't want people constantly asking how things are going (that's not really true, but I only really wanted certain people asking, and those are the only people I told at first, for that very reason). So in various methods, God slowly and gently revealed to me that it actually is a good thing to let people in and share with them. It helps me because now I've got more support than just my husband, it helps the people we tell if they want to know how to pray for us. It helps me be accountable to how I'm dealing with everything and where I'm allowing my heart and head to run off to, and it helps to hopefully encourage other people who are struggling either in this area or another where trusting God is amazingly difficult at times.

Ok, the summary: we've been through lots of tests and basically know what's going on. We have a good idea of why we haven't gotted pregnant yet, hence the IUIs. This boosts our chances of getting pregnant, but not hugely. So there's been a lot of waiting and some stress and anxiety. Back in March we tried for the first time with the IUI, and for the 2wks afterward, until I got my period, I was an utter wreck. Those who know me well know that I am about as easy going as they come, but I was so full of anxiety and fear, and hope, but mostly anxiety. The cool thing is right about the time that this started, I was following in the One Year Bible, and about every day for a week I would find a verse in the Psalms that spoke directly to me about this. So I read those over and over and prayed them over and over and still stressed out and worried.

I came to wonder how I could glorify God when I was such a mess? I went through about a second of trying to figure out why God wouldn't want us to be parents, and realized as soon as I wondered it that it was a ridiculous question. The world would be an entirely different place if only the deserving were allowed to conceive. And then I wondered why not now? We've paid down as much debt as we can for now, we could live off of Seth's income, I've come down a long road of being a little wishy-washy about wanting to have kids "now" to really really wanting kids right now, it just all seemed to line up. And yet...no babies.

I still don't know why not now. My best guess is that He's still working on something in my heart (I can only speak for myself here). I've learned so much, especially over the last 4-5 months of how I trust God conditionally, when the outlook is favorable, when I think I'm getting my way, then it must be God. But when things aren't going the way I want them too, then I just kind of fall apart. So I've been surrendering. Everything. A lot. About every few minutes, over the last few days. Whenever I notice myself daydreaming about telling my husband or our small group, or when I would have to start shopping for maternity clothes. And just in the last day or so I've had to think about being too pessimistic, because that's not really trusting God either, if I just assume that it's not going to work.

I woke up this morning with this song in my head, and I'm just going to hold onto it as long as I can because this is where I'm at. I need a reminder that no matter what happens, He is faithful. Maybe not to my plans, maybe not to my desires, but to Himself and to what's best for me:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!